"It's Christmas once again in Honolulu..."

One of biggest complaints lately is that "it just doesn't feel like Christmas". Why? Because we are in Hawai'i...and it is 80-some degrees out every day. Having lived in MD my entire life, I'm used to temperatures much more mild, if not freezing. That cold, to me, signals the coming of the holidays - a time to cuddle in front of the fire in comfy sweatpants, hugging a steaming mug of hot chocolate or apple cider. This time means the smell of a pine tree and blinking lights wrapped around and around the circular bundle of needles and smells. It means turning on the Christmas music and sitting Indian style on the floor, unrolling roll after roll of brightly colored paper, only to wrap it around the gifts thoughtfully purchased. It is a time to reflect on the past year - the good, the bad, the accomplishments, the setbacks, the lessons learned, the memories made.

So why has this year felt different? All because of the weather - and that's pretty sad.

Being in Hawai'i, the radio stations play their own unique set of Hawaiian Christmas carols if you will. One such carol goes something like this: "It's Christmas once again in Honolulu, there is not a snowflake to be found. No sleigh rides, no snowmen like you see on the Christmas Cards, but we've got a lot of Christmas in our hearts". I was listening to the song for the first time and smiling to myself at how ironic it was that I had just been contemplating the same things. And then one particular line struck me. I can't remember it exactly but I'll do my best to paraphrase: "Some folks say it doesn't feel like Christmas, you can't look outside and see some snow...I don't recall that it was snowing in Bethlehem 2000 years ago."

Then it hit me. For as much as I say "Christmas is about Christ yada yada yada", I realized I had made Christmas about what it felt like, not what is truly represented. If you think about it, Most of the Christmas items we think of with relation to Christmas, don't make an appearance in the Biblical Christmas story at all. The trees, the snowmen, the reindeer - they all have root in something other than the story of the Baby Jesus. Now, that's not to say that I"m going to boycott all things not in the Bible, but it does mean I've had a shift in perspective. Christmas, as it is today, (aside from being about Jesus) is what you make it to be. Honestly, it makes me sad to see the world take such a negative view with regards to the Christmas Holiday in general. What has it become? It's become a commercialized holiday that puts more focus on this deal and that deal that ONLY happen once a year. Shopping malls are packed with people trying to spend money they may or may not have to make sure the tree is fully stocked underneath. And goodness forbid that you don't get what you want or all tantrums will break loose.

Ok, I've gone on a tangent. Back to my original point. Christmas isn't about the tree, the gifts, the decoration, the shopping. It is a representation of the Gift that God gave us in His Sone, Jesus Christ. It is also a celebration of his Advent (coming). The Advent of the Old Testement and the Advent of his second coming.

Strong when I am weak

I love my husband. He is the man I prayed for, longed for, hoped for, for almost two years. (I know, it doesn't seem like a very long time, but for me, it felt like eternity).

We had kind of a whirlwind relationship beginning. We met in March on 2012 at Children's Hospital (neither of us were injured) and we started hanging out and then dating about two months later at the end of April. By December we were engaged and then married in a small ceremony in January for legal and military purposes. Our main ceremony was this past April, almost one year to the day that he asked me out.

Over the past year, we have continued to get to know each other, to recognize strengths and weaknesses, what makes each other tic, and most importantly, each other's love languages. I was telling my best friend the other day that she is lucky in her husband's love language - his being quality time. If Josh's love language were quality time, it would be easy! But God knows me well - and he gave me a husband whose love language requires me to think outside the box, become unselfish and also combat one of my greatest weaknesses - a tendency to laziness. Now, when I say laziness it doesn't denote that I'm not a hard worker. If I have a goal, I put forth my best effort to ensure the goal is met and to the best of my ability. No, I'm talking about laziness in the little things - such as leaving a trail of clothes on the floor because I'm too lazy to put it in the hamper. Or leaving a trail of water bottles because emptying them and taking them downstairs isn't the first thought on my mind. Now, eventually these messes will get cleaned up, but they sit there for a while before they get on my nerves and I take care of them. Josh, being in the military, is used to a relatively neat and clean environment. His love language is also Acts of Service. Acts of Service being home-made dinners (no problem there!), the room being picked up and neat, the house being picked up and neat etc. Now, I'm not by any means saying that picking up and cleaning is "my job" or my duty alone. We both share the responsibility of keeping our house clean. We have it worked out well for the kitchen. I'll make the meal and we'll both clean up, or he'll clean up and tell me to go sit on the couch and put my feet up. :) But in keeping the house clean, or initiating the laundry are all acts of service to him that make him feel loved and appreciated. Coming home to a clean house and a warm home cooked meals speaks more  "I love you"s than a handwritten note or a lengthy email stating how much I love him.

More recently, I feel as if I have been lacking in the Acts of Service Department. It has been difficult the past few months as the early stages of pregnancy have hit me kind of hard. Battling low iron and constant tiredness have made it hard to complete anything except the necessities: dinner, school work etc.
So on Friday, I decided it was going to be Love Josh Day. As in, clean the room, straighten up the bed, pick up the clothes, start the laundry etc. I had this whole grand list of ideas of things I could do in the hours before he got home. Even though I wanted to take a nap, I chose to fight through and make my husband feel loved. So, I started out by dumping the hamper of sheets and towels that had been sitting on our floor for a week and folded and put them away. Check #1. Then, I dumped out the hamper of my clothes that had also been sitting on my floor for a week and folded them. Check #1.5 The other .5 check would have been to put them away which I forgot to do because I went downstairs to start dinner. I also made the bed and picked up the clothes and finally discovered that we did indeed own a carpet under all that mess.... (I kid, it wasn't really that bad). So I started diner which consisted of making homemade pizza. When Josh got home, I was in the process of rolling the dough and putting the fixings on it. I had also made a homemade pizza sauce too. Josh went upstairs to change and I felt so proud of myself and hoped he would notice the clean room, the newfound carpet and come down with sparkles in his eyes. I quickly forgot about these hopes as I put dinner in the oven. As we were sitting at the table waiting for the pizza to cook,  I asked him "Did you see the room?" with hopeful expectation in my voice.

"Oh, you mean all the clothes on the bed? Yep, I saw them alright."

Drat.

I had forgotten to go back upstairs and put away the folded laundry. But he was just messing with me and knew that I had put in effort to clean the room. It may not have worked out as well as I wanted, but the effort and meaning were still there.

That's one of the many reason why I love him. Because when I am weak he is strong and vice versa. During the past few months, he has been on of my biggest fans and supporters as I continue to pursue my BS as well as grow a baby. He will tuck me into bed for a desperately needed nap on the weekend and then spend several hours cleaning or doing yard work. He comes home every night with a smile on his face and a "thank you" for dinner (which he knows Word of Affirmation is my love language).

He is a wonderful man, with a big heart and I'm so thankful he is mine to keep. When they say, Love isn't just a feeling, they are right. Love is a choice, it is a commitment, and it takes work. But done in the right way and with the right mindset and with the help of God, you can make Love last a lifetime. That is what I intend to do, till death do us part.

This time, I'm not sure what to say

Recently I have found myself in the midst of an academic conundrum. I took a test last Tuesday and when the grades were posted on Monday, I went to go check how I did. I was slightly concerned when I saw a "0" where a grade should have been. I was even more concerned what the stats for the exam were sent out and it reported that the lowest grade was indeed a zero. I have gotten my fair share of bad grades in my academic career, but never, never, have I gotten a zero. Thoroughly flummoxed, I went up to the teacher during break and asked why i had a zero. Her response shocked me. Evidently, some sitting near me had 5 or more same incorrect answers as I did. According to her statistics, that is too high on an exam of that length (51 questions) to be pure chance - therefore someone was copying. Since she can't prove who was copying (if at all), both myself and the other person got zeros. This also happened to several other students and they were outraged. I suppose I was mad as well, and kind of offended really, but it got me thinking. Has the current academic population sunk so low that honest students must now be penalized along with the cheating ones? Why do people feel the necessity to cheat anyway? As I walk around campus every day, I can begin to see some answers to my questions.

1) We have bought into the lie that life is easy.

Look around you and you will see a plethora of items that are sold under that mantra of "It's that easy!". Food products, weight loss gimmicks, electronics - you name it, it's out there. As Americans, we are all about making our lives easier. Distance learning so that we don't have to commute to class every day. Instant microwave rice in a bag because making it on the stovetop takes too long. Mobile phones providing instant access to Facebook because waiting until you're home to check how many likes your status got will take too long. A cookie diet that will help you lose weight fast because going to the gym every day and foregoing sweets is too hard. And so, if life is this easy, why should school be any harder? Why should we have to attend class every day and pay attention? Why can't I just slum through it and be happy with a C at the end of the semester? We are quickly learning that if we want something, we don't have to work that hard to get it. Compare that with a 3rd world country where the students have to walk 5-10 miles one way to school. I think if Americans today suddenly found themselves in that situation, everyone would be in uproar.

2) Working hard for something you want is a thing of the past

Now, before I continue, I must point out that I know lots of people to whom this does not apply. I would venture to say that America as a whole is slowly but surely drifting towards this line of thought, compared with the generation of 50-70 years ago. For example, my grandfather was born on a tobacco farm in North Carolina. When he was a boy, he would get up at the crack of dawn and do his farm chores. He would eat breakfast and begin the 5 mile walk to school. After school, he would walk the 5 miles back home and do his afternoon chores. It was only after dinner that he would begin his homework and then go to bed when he was finished - and the cyle began again. There was not time for nightly television shows, no time to check facebook, no time play video games - and he took great pride in his education. After World War II, he pursued his education and eventually attained his Ph.D. He taught business at a University for many years and truly enjoyed what he did. Would any of us survive in his circumstances? I'll be the first person to admit that no, I probably wouldn't survive - at first. Then, I suppose I'd get used to it. But what's our definition of "Working hard" - or has our work been made easy because of modern conveniences?

In short, I am disappointed with our culture, I am disappointed in our generation. It is not right that students (and people for that matter) should sink so low and assume they can just slink by. Why not take pride in the country we live in? Why not be proud for the educations we are receiving, some at the cost of other people's hard earned salary? Why? Because we're Americans. It's "our right" to these things and therefore, we take no pride in them. Would you take more pride in making cake and icing from a box that someone else bought or would you take pride in a cake made from scratch, that took many long and laborious hours? Sorry people, but education, healthcare, financial aid, welfare etc, they're not rights - they're privileges. And like my parents used to tell me, privileges can be earned, but they can also be taken away. I think it's high time we start earning these privileges again. Let's start putting in the hard work for what we want. My grandparents worked hard their entire careers to be able to draw from their Social Security benefits - but they had to put the money in first.

School is a privilege - and if I could tell every single freshman, sophomore etc at my school who are currently taking this privilege for granted by skipping class, posting pictures of themselves being bored in class, chatting and being disrespectful of the instructor, watching you tube videos on their iPad etc - If I could tell them that College isn't an extension of high school, I would. If I could tell them that the drinking isn't worth it, I would. If I could tell that that being able to down a 5th of vodka in one evening won't get them a job, but a diploma with good grades to back it up will, I would. If I could tell them that respect, honesty, and good intentions will get them much further in life than partying, lying and cheating will, I would. If I could tell the young ladies that a gentle and quiet spirit is so much more attractive than heavy makeup and baring the midriff and raggedy cutoffs, I would.

But even if I could tell them these things and more, they probably wouldn't listen. Because we are also raising a generation that knows it all. That because they saw it on Facebook, it must be true. That because the media says it's true it must be. We are losing the thinkers, the dreamers and the doers. Instead, we are gaining the Facebookers, the Instagramers, and the how-fast-can-I-text-ers.

I'm not mad I got a zero - Rather it has opened my eyes to the reality of the world as it is. An honest student got penalized because of the actions of a dishonest student. Not only will this mean I will ensure to do my 100% for the next exam, but I hope this encourages others around me to do the same. It's not about what's fair, not fair. No one ever said life would be fair. If life were fair, I'd be a millionaire with all the degrees I wanted, living in a mansion without a care in the world. But as it is, I'll just have to be content for working hard for what I want.

Power in Weakness

Today was one of those days. Those days where you want to throw your alarm clock against the wall. Where you want to roll over and go back to sleep. Where you'd do practically anything to make it Saturday Morning. 
But, unfortunately, it wasn't Saturday and there were still classes to attend and quizzes to take. 
To be honest, this was one of the most challenging days I've had in a very long time. Physically I felt horrible - Mentally, I was fuzzy - Emotionally, I was drained. Weak is also another good word for it. To complicate things, I have an iron deficiency and despite my best intentions (taking pill supplements etc) things aren't seeming to get any better. The iron deficiency is causing smells of food bring on bouts of almost insupressable nausea. Even the thought of food is enough to make my stomach curl. But it I don't stay hydrated or eat, that also causes nausea. It's a terrible conundrum. So this morning, nauseous, dizzy, unsteady..all of the above, I cried out to God. I couldn't do it on my own. Then this came to mind.

2 Corinthians 12:9

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

As I struggled for the first several hours of being at school, God met me in my time of need. 

I felt His presence all day and he gave me the strength to carry on even when I wanted 

to go home. 

He can also meet you in your weakness. His Grace is sufficient. His Power shines through

when we are at our weakest. It's times like these where I marvel at the God we serve..

Why One so mighty, so powerful, would bother with whiny, petty, and undeserving 

creatures like us.

Why? Like the catechism always used to remind us - merely because it pleases Him. 

Thankful

Dear Heavenly Father,
Sometimes, I don't know where to begin - and today is no exception. I've had a lot of things on my heart and mind lately which I don't know how to process. This year has definitely been one for the books as having to walk through a lot of changes. I'm not ungrateful for these changes at all. Rather, I am confused about how to walk through some of them and frankly afraid of not being able to do so.
I know you call us to walk though the doors of change,  but changing has always been so difficult for me; partially because of my personality and the love of being in my comfort zone. I don't like to be stretched - at least not at first. However, I know that beyond this growth period, a wealth of knowledge and gained experience await me.
The first major change of the year was getting married. We did so in January so that we could get the military paperwork in order for our move. I had also quit working to go back to school full time and while doing so, planned a wedding. Those 4 months were stressful, but You got me through it.
Then, we moved and as you know that was a rough transition to walk through. I was lonely, I missed my family, I missed having a routine - and I missed having the freedom of my own transportation. One by one, I've seen You answer those prayers as I am developing a network of friends here on base and You have provided us with a second car which has lifted a lot of stress.
And now, we have This. I shall refer to it as This because I don't want to reveal what This is just yet. Boy was This unexpected. I started the school year off with high aspirations of good grades and barreling through these last two years with my head held high. And then we found out about This. The semester has bee so hard already. This is making it that much more difficult and there are days where I barely have the strength to get out of bed. Functioning is a matter of will at this point. There are many times I as "why?". But I know deep down in my heart that This is a gift, not a curse. I know that ultimately, You will see me through this to the end. You've gotten me through so much more in my life and I am wrong to doubt you. Thank you for your never-ending faithfulness. Thank you for seeing me through the changes I have walked through thus far. I am excited to see how This pans out for your glory. Please grant me strength over the next weeks and months. It's only through your power and grace that I can do any of it anyway. Thank you for loving me enough to send your Son to die in my place.
In your Son's precious and Holy Name,
Amen.

Weeds

Weeds - we all hate them. They serve no purpose except to kindle frustration when tending to our lawn or garden. Since having moved to Hawaii, we now have a house which is part of a fourplex and with that comes our yard. Our section is technically bounded by measurements from here to there, but we decided to go ahead and take care of the whole lawn anyway, no biggee.
Over the weekend, we purchased lawn equipment: rakes, fertiliser, mower etc...and today, Josh spent the majority of the day outside tending to the lawn. I came out and helped him for a bit. What I found was that out lawn contains many, many weeds.  Lots of 'em. In fact, there are places where there are more weeds than grass. Not only do we have a plethora of weeds, we have several different types. As I was pulling these weeds, it reminded me of the weeds in our lives.
See, to me, our lives start out as a fresh area of grass - pure, untouched, green, fresh. As time goes on, if left intended, the outside invaders -sin (aka weeds) creep in.
Just like in our yards, there are many different types of weeds in our lives.
In our yard, we have one particular weed that masquerades as grass - yet it is choking the grass and prohibiting growth. Such could be a person or friend in our lives that seems harmless but in reality is a negative impact on our spiritual lives.
Other weeds snake through the grass and grow in its place, leaving more weed than grass in the lawn. There are also weeds like clover which grow in clumps and never really seem to go away and are always just...there. Then, there are even other weeds whose roots grow so deep that you would have to dig up a good portion of the yard to completely dispose of it. Such are the weeds in our lives. Jealously for example - perhaps jealously snakes through our thoughts, completely masking the good that God has placed into our lives. Or, like the clover, there's that sin that is just always there - never really going away. Or, the bigger ones - the ones whose roots go so deep that it seems impossible for them to be completely gone. And if they're torn up and exposed, what they leave behind is a patchy, bare, mess.
My friends, every lawn has to be torn up now and again. In order for the grass to grow again the weeds have to be removed. In the case of our yard, it requires a chemical fertliser, but it your life, what does it require? I know that the sins I. My life have required me to take a hard look at myself and admit otherwise painful things that I know are true. It requres me to die to self and do the things that inconvenience me, if only to bless other people. It requires me to be on my knees, asking to to yet again forgive me because I have messed up. It requires me to realize and believe that I am a sinner, and I desperately need a Savior. What do the weeds in your life require to be rid of them. Sure, it's easy to ignore them - but over time, they will eat away at you and leave you with a constant reminder if their presence.
However, if you deal with the weeds in your life, there may be holes left behind. But not to fear. Jesus can fill those holes. And while they may not be completely filled right away, know that He is working behind the scenes. Just like grass doesn't grow over night. That takes time, especially when the weeds have penetrated for so long. And eventually, just as the dark comes before the morning, you will soon see new growth, new grass, a fresh start.

Redefined

Over the course of the last 6-7 months, I have walked through several transitions. I left my government job on December 15^th, got engaged on December 19^th, married on January 8^th(also becoming a military wife), started school and coordinated a move, had our wedding ceremony, graduated community college, and then moved 5,000 miles to Hawai’i leaving behind most of my friends, my training academy, my family, and all things familiar to me and my life.

To be honest, the first few days were like vacation. It was a new experience, a new place and it was so cool. Blue water actually exists!

Then reality set in. I missed my family, I missed my pups, I missed my car. I had no idea who I was. I had nothing familiar except my clothes suitcases and material things I had brought with me. Who was I? Besides being a new military wife, I couldn’t begin tell you who I was.

See, my identity has been wrapped up for so long in the material things of my life – I’ve been an engineering intern, a government contractor, a lifeguard, a jiu jitsu player, a judoka – and all those identities resided in Maryland. When I left Maryland, I left a lot of those identities behind.

I feel powerless, as if I don’t know who I am any more. And this has been a huge emotional struggle to walk through. I’ve had to step through several life transitions and as my husband can attest, it hasn’t been a walk in the park. There are some days where I feel completely normal, like it’s no big deal. Other days, I’m a wreck – missing material things that would only temporarily relieve the heartache and loneliness that besets me at times.

Just as I prayed for God to unsettle me throughout this journey, I had failed to think beyond that prayer and what would happen after He unsettled me. Then, tonight, it happened. We were sitting at dinner – Josh was devouring succulent crab legs, happily cracking them and dipping them in butter. I was poking away at my delicious salad and contemplating all the above mentioned thoughts when a word popped into my head – Redefine.

For the past 6 weeks, I have been identifying myself as in the past – who I used to be, where I came from. And that has effectively stopped all forward motion. I cannot progress if I live in and/or lament the past and what used to be.

So what am I? I’m a wife – happily married to, cliché as it is, the most wonderful man in the world. I am a military wife, which means moves like the one we’re in will happen again and again for the near future. I’m still a Jiu Jitsu player, though my game has been put on pause while we transition. I’m still a Judoka, I’m a sister, a daughter, a Godmother and aunt, and Lord willing, will be a mother – All those things have not changed and will not change even though my circumstances inevitably will. It is reminiscent to our relationship with God. Regardless of where we are, who we are, what we’ve done, what we will do – we are Children of the King – and that will never change.

The truth of the matter is that we serve a God that doesn’t change and yet we live in a world that is constantly changing. While I may not like or want to accept the changes, I know that they come from a never changing God.

When things change, there are things lost and things gained – friendships, familiarities, material things – and the thought of losing any of said items can be a hindrance to accepting change. However, we are reminded in Philipians 3:

⁷ But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Those last verses – “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead” – that, my friends, is exactly what God laid on my heart this evening. I am first, and foremost, the daughter of the King and whatever calling he has/will lead me to is my first priority. But to do that, I must let go of the past. In a way, it’s like letting go on the “old self” when you first accept Jesus into your heart. When you take on the new self, you essentially take on the duty (and burden at times[I mean burden in a positive way]) of living for Christ. You’re setting aside all worldly thoughts, emotions, ways of living, now striving to attain the prize, as Paul said, which can ONLY be found through faith in Christ. It’s taking up the cross and following Him, laying down our nets, our occupations, to pursue what our calling is for his Kingdom. I’m reminded of a song that occasionally comes on my playlist when I work out. It’s called “Answer the Call” by Steve Green. Some of the lyrics are

“I answer the call
I take my stand
I choose to live my days on earth
A faithful man
And to that end
I give my all
And in the strength and grace of God
I answer the call”

The same is true for me. I came here to Hawaii knowing I had a purpose. But I was so caught up in what I left behind that I failed to see the incredible opportunity ahead of me. I am rooted and grounded in Christ – the rest is a clean slate. Through God’s strength, I can redefine who I am and who He wants me to be in this next chapter of my life, all while keeping the roles I mentioned above. God can do amazing things in your life – but only if you let him break and unsettle you – and then allow Him to pick those pieces up and put them back together again.

Life is more than Food

When God speaks to me, He doesn’t do so in a loud thunderous voice with paragraphs and paragraphs of things for my brain to digest and chew. No, My Heavenly Father knows me very well. He knows how I learn. I learn in segments. I learn in pieces. I take as much time as I can on each piece until I know it well and then move on to the next one. Each one builds on top of the next one. It is the same way in Jiu Jitsu. I take each technique and focus on one aspect of it until I feel comfortable with it and then move on to the next aspect. For some people, they may consider this as slow learning. I have never been one to be a late-nighter, day-before-test-crammer, and succeed (though I admit, I am a day before test crammer). And so it is when the Father soeaks to me. He speaks in segments, phrases, small words or short verses. And then gives me time to mentally chew it and digest it, absorbing all of the spiritual nutrients I can from it. And then He’ll give me another one. He’ll lay another verse, phrase or word on my heart. The last time I walked through this experience, God gave me, over the course of several months, 5-6 verses that I believe He specifically wanted me to read and reflect upon. The end result was a paragraph of biblical truth that I needed to apply to my life.

I believe I wrote a post about how what has been on my heart lately was “Unsettle Me” and I wrote about how God was doing that in my life already. Here’s what He’s put on my heart since then and other things going on because of it.

Background: Back home, before I left for Hawai’i, I was going out to dinner with some ladies from church. I got there early and there was a Christian Book Store nearby and so I went in. As I was perusing around, I picked up a book called “Made to Crave Devotional”. As I picked it up and started reading, I was encouraged that someone had written a book documenting struggles that I have been going through for the last several years. I realized there was also a book called “Made to Crave” which had come out before the devotional. I went back and forth on which one I wanted and ended up with both of them. I had also bought a book called “It Starts with Food” and had been reading that.

 Let me preempt this background with the knowledge that I have always struggled with my weight and body image. I have been on the low side of the scale and the high side. I have done all forms of exercise, tried different kinds of diets, only to be frustrated and discouraged in the end when the results I was expecting didn’t come. I have seen more infomercials than I can count and wished countless times that I was on the other side of the screen in my skinny jeans holding my “too big now” pants, proclaiming the amount of weight and inches I had lost on this new miraculous diet. I have asked people if I look fat, only to have them tell me no and still in my mind not believe them. I have been in clothing stores, looking longingly at outfits that I can only dream of wearing. I could go on,  but you get the idea.

When I got to Hawai’I, I decided to include the books into my devotional i.e. read a chapter each time I read my bible and journal my thoughts and reflections. This is the book from which God used “Unsettle Me” From. The newest thing he laid on my heart was two fold:  1) Life is more than food, 2) you are more than enough.

Wow. What a revelation. Life. Is. More. Than. Food.

I had never thought of food in that context before. To me, food was good, bad, delicious, yummy, you name it. I never thought that food could be the source of a spiritual struggle. As I delved deeper into the book, the author describes her spiritual struggle with food. How when she gives into cravings, she’s giving into temptations and thereby letting Satan have control over this area in her life. I was dumbfounded. And then I turned the microscope on me – in what areas was I letting Satan have control over my life? You got it – my body image and my weight. The Bible says “There is no fear in love” and it also says that “God is Love”. Well, if every time I step on the scale, afraid of the number I’m about to see, how can that possibly be a God-honoring way to live? Living in fear of a scale? Living in fear of a number, a clothing size – no thank you! Even on the flip side – being AFRAID of a food because you think it will make you fat? I repeat – NO THANK YOU!

As I looked at my life and really examined some things in my life I struggled with, I pin pointed a single item which had me in bondage. Coffee.  But coffee is good for you, it has so many antioxidants, how can you not have coffee – could all be potential responses from people who don’t understand how this is rooted in spiritual struggles. I’ll outline mine for you:

1)      I always looked forward to my coffee i.e. I was beginning to feel that I couldn’t live without it. If someone had challenged me to live without coffee for a week, I’d look at you like you were crazy.

Coffee has no longer become something I can simply enjoy, but more of a necessity. I think of the verse “Man does not live by bread alone”. If I insert coffee, or any food for that matter, my outlook on coffee is in direct violation of that verse.

 Any time I have ventured on a diet, the coffee was one thing I couldn’t give up. I HAD to have my coffee. Living life with that kind of need, whether it be food or something else, is not healthy.

         2) Portion control, when it came to coffee, was a foreign concept to me. The author of the book has an excellent chapter on portion control and I can honestly say that portion control and I do not have a monogamous relationship. The temptation to eat more and more is so hard to overcome and most of the time, I end up losing that battle. With coffee, it was the size of my drink. I always love a big steaming mug of coffee in the mornings and love the cream when it makes the coffee the right color.

Let me just add that I am not singling coffee out. This is my struggle. For some people, that struggle may be sugar, or soda, bread, snack foods. You get the idea.

As I went through these chapters, I felt God calling me to give up this area of my life. I have tried so many times and failed. But this time it felt different and so I prayed. I prayed for God’s strength to get through this. I challenged myself for a week (7 days) of no coffee. (as I type, I’m on day 9). I was in the middle of a pretty nasty 4 day headache when I made this decision and then incurred 4 mouth ulcers (fever blisters) that were excruciatingly painful that hurt whenever I talked, ate, moved, etc. I firmly believe that it was a spiritual attack because of the nature of the headache and the blisters. I had a little relief from medicine but nothing which helped the swelling in my mouth go down or something which took away the throb of my head. I went to be with my dear sister Mandy and we spent a lot of time talking about the Lord and spent some time in prayer. While I was with her, I noticed an almost 100% difference in the swelling in my mouth and a decrease of pain in my head. I am convinced that last week’s pain was a direct result to my decision to not drink coffee, in obedience to what I felt the Lord was showing me in regards to my food choices.

***This is where I left off while I was typing. I'm picking up and it's now into week 3 of now coffee ;)***

And so this ends another post full of ramblings – God’s doing great things in my life. He’s addressing character flaws that I have and one by one, picking out the weeds. This journey’s going to be amazing – I just know it.  :) 

Yet another Cliche

I say this post on a Facebook Page of one of the radio stations I listen to and it got my mind th'inking. I'll see if I can find it and post it here since it fuels this afternoon's edition of "The Catherine Ramblings". 

" "Just reading a post from a buddy of mine Gregg who 'went off' on his FB page after yesterday's tragedy. I have to say, Gregg -I agree! What do you think?
He wrote, "Thoughts and prayers” on social media is a cliche’, it just makes those who post it look shallow and insincere; like you are looking for attention. Why say it, if you really have prayers, have a silent prayer – there is no need to continually tweet it, it is trite. I’m not saying you don’t care, but the only reason to tweet “thoughts and prayers” or post it on facebook is to prove how much you care, it’s bad form.
Finally, it is so early into the incident that you really have to stop believing anything you see on twitter, even the journalists are getting it wrong in the name of being first. Question everything until we have some answers." "

In the comments that followed, a barrage of emotions showed themselves. Some commenters were incensed because they felt like they were 100% sincere in their "Thoughts and prayers" postings etc. while others were a bit more respectful in their disagreement with the post. 

I have to agree with Gregg (or whoever wrote the original post). I saw comment after comment where people expressed their emotions at the post in forms of capital letters, exclamation points (don't forget to at the questions mark too if you really want to add emphais: ?!?!??!?!). People were also saying that this guy was unpatriotic and insensitive etc. All I could think what, is this where we've sunk? Is this how our nation communicates now? Do we have our noses so stuck to our phones and other people's FB pages that we have forgotten how to interact with people? I am one of these people. I always have my phone with me. If I am bored, I look at Facebook to keep me occupied. Look around you - Doctor's offices, Grocery stores, even classrooms - and you will see more than one person on their phone. When was the last time you walked away from your phone, or God forbid, left it at home when on an outing? 

I can bet that you and I know more "Facebook facts" (as I'll call them because of course nothing is official until it's on Facebook) about one person on Facebook than we have Bible verses committed to memory. 

So, my challenge to myself this week, count how many hours I spend on FB (a rough estimate). 

Then count how many hours I spend pouring over my Bible. 

The week after, reverse that trend, by deactivating my account if I have to. I have created a bad habit with myself and social media (Really only FB becuase Twitter is for academic purposes). I am on FB more than I would like to admit. I may not post stuff, but in a moment of boredom, I will scroll through the newsfeed endlessly. I find myself, hunched over, chin resting on one hand, eyes glazed over as the melodrama from my 600+ friends scrolls up my computer screen. It's become a sad, sad addiction. 

Are you defined by your social media and what's on it or not on it? If we are becoming a nation defined by what is on our facebook, we are headed to Hell on a Magic Carpet Ride. That's a "Whole New World" right there, friends. What happened to the good old human interaction? 

I also read an article about the 5 things to not do when dating - and the first three had to do with social media. Since when did dating become something reliant on the internet and communication over it?? 

Some people view social media as a good way to keep in touch with people or reconnect and in some ways I can see the validity of that argument. Then there's the other side of the spectrum - the people who are on social media all the time with their posts, daily life, current feelings, general drama. 

So, I make this challenge to myself and anyone willing to do it with me. I would rather learn more about my Bible and my Savior than I would all of my friends combined. Not saying it's a bad thing to be informed about your family and friends, but since my relationship with Jesus is my number 1, doesn't it make sense to put that one first? 

Obedience training - not just for dogs

Training has begun. Not for a job, not for a tournament…oddly enough, training has begun for my pups. As it turns out, I think they turned the tables on me this time. Allow me to explain.

I have two dogs – a Border Collie and a German Shepherd Hound Mix. Schafer is 6 and Ava is about 3. I’ve had Schafer since 2007 and he had some obedience training. Ava, on the other hand, has little to no obedience training – she is a good dog though. Lately, I’ve been noticing some idiosyncrasies with the both of them. Schafer isn’t coming when he is supposed to, though after a few calls, he comes. Ava, when off leash, just does her own thing and comes when she wants to. She’s also extremely hyper when we come home, or when we pull out the leash. She gets so excited that her tail moves her whole body. Whenever you go to pet her, she just about dies with excitement and can’t wait to kiss you all over. If you’re petting someone else, she will butt right in for pets. Schafer lately has been growling at dogs when we meet them on the street. He’s not being aggressive, but I realized he’s picking up on me and how I react to dogs. He also gets fixated with toys and sometimes I’m afraid that if a small child were to try and play with him, he would play like normal and be too strong for the child. Since we don’t have kids (yet), I can’t really warm either of them up to kids and have them get used to kids on a regular basis. All of these things got me thinking – I need to start a training program.

So, last night, I started reading Cesar Milan’s book about dogs and it was extremely insightful and helpful. I couldn’t put it down. Yesterday and today, I started implementing some of his tips and tricks. It’s only been a matter of hours, but already, I can see signs of improvement. Here are some of the things I’ve been implementing:

1    -  Feeding time: They already know to wait before diving ino their kibble. I’ve now been running my hand into their kibble, while they’re eating so that they know, that Mom is their Alpha.

2    -   Going outside: Yes, it’s tedious and time consuming, but I have them sit before I even open the door. Once I open it, I step outside first, then they follow. This shows them that they are following me, I’m the pack leader (Not to mention it stops the stampede from the ‘who’s going to get outside first rush’)

3   -  Me. They react to my emotions both good and bad. If I am in a bad mood, they will pick up on it, especially Schafer. So yesterday and today, I’ve really worked at keeping a calm, even mood around them. If Ava gets jumpy, I walk away and ignore her. If I’m petting Schafer as a reward for being calm and she gets pushy, I ignore her until she calms down, then I pet her. But through all if it, I am trying to remain as calm as assertive as possible.

These are only a few things I will be implementing in my dogs’ life and structure. They need it – they’re not humans. We can’t treat them as such, even though I love them dearly.

Another thing this training has brought to mind is perhaps how God deals with us sometimes. You see, when we’re given free reign, no boundaries, we either don’t know what to do and get overwhelmed and get bouncy (like Ava) or, we just go our own way with sometimes no consideration for others (Schafer at times). What I’ve begun to realize is that, perhaps, we are in “in training” as well. I look at some of my behaviors and realize that there are things I should modify. Maybe how I act, or how I speak to a specific person. Then I think that maybe God is training me as well. When Schafer or Ava do something wrong, like kick up grass after relieving themselves, they get a collar correction. It’s a tug on the collar, not enough to hurt, with verbal command they associate with “That was wrong”. Eventually, they get it and they don’t do that behavior anymore.  I wonder sometimes if God has been collar correcting me and I haven’t noticed. There are times when I will tell Ava to sit and she doesn’t. She just looks at me. Then, maybe after the 3^rd time, she will do it. It takes so much effort to not get frustrated, angry and stomp off in a huff. That behavior does me no good and it certainly doesn’t do my animals any good. I can’t imagine what it must be like for us as humans to simply tell God no. I know I’ve done it – when there been that little tug in my spirit to do something and I choose not to. It’s also funny to liken Ava’s behavior with ours sometimes. She can get so impatient for that walk or that affection that she pushes and pushes to get it. When this happens I ignore her – I have to. I can’t praise that behavior because she will continue it and will probably get worse. When she has calmed down, I will then give her the affection she so desires. Maybe that’s how God is with us. When we want something SO badly, we jump up and down, do circles, push our way in, to make sure God knows what we want. But He already knows. Maybe he’s waiting for us to calm down (surrender) before we receive it.  Being a Dog Mom is a 24/7 job. It can be tiring. It is a responsibility and yet I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I set out yesterday to train them, to bring about the good behavior that I know resides somewhere in all that fluff. The funny thing is, I think at the end of it, I will also be receiving training from my Alpha and Omega. 

Moving Right Along

I've realized that a lot of my blog posts are titled with something that reminds me of a time in my childhood. This particular title is from "The Muppet Movie". It's a song Kermit and Fozzy sing as they're in their Studebaker, driving in pursuit of a dream. Not only is the song now stuck in my head, but it represents this particular time of life I am in.
Having grown up in Maryland my entire life, the only time I have ever really been anywhere was when I traveled to Germany for a week. It was, no doubt, one of the best experiences of my life and I can't wait to go back. However, another opportunity awaits on the horizon. Without jumping the gun, I'll put it this way - we are most likely moving to Hawaii.

Hawaii.

A place people wait for years to go see. And I could very well become a resident in 3 month.

The thought is so exciting and yet petrifying as well. I have never lived outside of the state of Maryland and this would definitely be pushing the limits. Heck, it's not even within the continental US! I realize it's not a different country, but my goodness, what an amazing experience. Not to mention, I will (prayerfully!!) be joining my big sister once again. I can only imagine that this is a God thing. And God thing are so cool.

So, as of right now, Josh is set to leave in the May time frame and I'm all set to go on June 28th.The reason I can't go until June is because we wanted to get our animals through the prework as it is extensive to get into Hawai'i.

But this changes so much. We leave behind our family, our church, our Judo and Jiu Jistu academies...and so much more. (One of the plus sides is that there's already a "when we are going to visit Catherine Sign-Up Sheet" going around)   :) But I also realize that this is "the norm" for a military family and that's what we will be. I knew what I was signing up for when I said "yes". In a way, I almost feel as if God has prepared me for this. See, Mandy (my big sister) moved to HI in 2009 after we had only been working together about a year. But the bond that grew has stuck and I have missed her greatly. To be able to be close to her again makes my heart leap and sing with happiness. I've also applied to the University of Hawaii and I (think??) I have been accepted. Once there, I will continue my Judo, Jiu Jitsu and my academic pursuit. What I'm most excited about is that I'm not going by myself (although there's absolutely nothing wrong with that). I will be going with my hubby-to-be and I can't think of a better place to begin our married life!

Musings for a Rainy Day

I love my house. I really do. It’s got plenty of space for all of my clutter and square feet upon square feet for my dogs to roughhouse. It sits on a hill in a pretty neighborhood. The neighborhood is still being developed and you can affirm this fact by the sounds of Mack trucks and their diesel engines struggling to drive up that big first hill at 6am on a Saturday morning. But I love my house because it is a safe haven for me. A Place of comfort. A shelter in a storm. I trust that when those winds blow that the engineering that was put into the construction of the house will stand tried and true. And it does.

                How did the construction crew know where to build this house? How did they know that this land was good and solid? Well, someone had to come check it out first. And if you couldn’t tell, I’m taking another ordinary life situation and applying it to the Christian walk. I like to do that, you know, finding parables in this life. I find that it helps me to understand what it means to be a Christian. Anyway, going back to building a house.  I’ve never built one but we did have a project similar to that in Engineering 101. We had to design a laboratory for testing detectors. When I first hear that, I immediately thought “We have to design what to do what??”. Truthfully, the project became clearer as we were halfway through it, but I accomplished the task. We were given a set of requirements and based on those requirements we set out to design this laboratory. We went through different scenarios such as where to build, how far away from the next major city, what kind of land, what kind of materials etc. We had to analyze each part because even in small ways, it could have had a negative effect on our building (hypothetically speaking). What I realized, is that we don’t necessarily realize where we have to put our trust when we become Christians. I may have mentioned this a while back in a post titled “Where is your hope built” but I think it’s good to reinforce this time and time again. As Christians, we realize that our hope and trust needs to be in Jesus. But what does this really mean. You see, when life is good, when things are going our way and it seems like blessings from heaven are just falling like lemon drops and gum drops, it is “easy” to be a Christian. Sure, Trusting Jesus is NO problem if life is like this! But what happens when those lemon drops and gum drops feel like they’ve turned to acid rain? What if it feels like there no escaping the torrent of hail and wind storms that life brings? What happens to your faith then? Does it shake? Does it shatter? This brings me back to the foundation example. Our faith, our trust MUST be rooted in Christ, during good times and bad. When the storms of life strip away our shingles, our sidings, even the contents of ourselves, what is it that will remain standing? The foundation? Or nothing? Sometimes we have to go through trials of fire to reveal our true character. To refine our faith and sharpen our minds.

                When I was in school, one of my subjects was Bible Memory – and I hated that part. Not the Bible, but memorizing bible verses. Let’s face it – I can memorize stupid facts. I can tell you what the gravitational acceleration of a falling body is, I can tell you why oil is liquid at room temperature and why butter is solid at room temperature and so on. What is hard for me to do is memorize stuff that’s really important…like things for school…things that have a grade attached to it. Bible Memory was one. I remember one of my assignments was Proverbs 4. I had some verses memorized and they were completely in the wrong order. See, we memorized 4 verses at a time and recited them at the end of the week. Week 1 was verses 1-4, week 2 was verses 1-8, week 3 was verses 1-12 – you get the idea.then came the week where I had to recite all 28 verses. And it was just. Not. Happening. So my friend who would come over to our house to school while her mom was at work, sat with me and we went through the whole thing verse by verse. Well, I ended up recited it perfectly to my mom and I still remember it today. I guess where I’m going with that is that committing those verses to memory has paid off more than I ever could have imagined. See, when we know stuff, we are able to recall it when we need it (Academic tests are a WAY different story). Same thing with verses. When we are going through a situation, good or bad, we are able to recall verses to mind and hopefully, it helps direct our thoughts. It keeps our minds with a heavenly perspective and doesn't allow the Devil to wear us down. Hebrews 4 says “The Word of God is living and Active, sharper than any double edged sword”

So going back to the house analogy  but where is your foundation built? I know where mine should be but sometimes it takes a few humps along the way to remember that it’s not in my power, strength or self that my foundation is. Being a Christian is a 25/7/365 experience. And I am guilty of making it a “when I need it” experience. A personal relationship with Jesus Christ takes time and commitment just like any other relationship. If there’s one thing God’s been pressing on my heart lately, it’s my lack of being in the Word. I need to be in the Word continually. That way, when my own storms threaten on the horizon, I’m ready.

Entitlement Programs....for Christians??

Ok, first off, let me clarify. There are no entitlements for Christians. I just thought that would be a good title. But seriously, we, as a nation have a lot of programs which are lovingly dubbed "entitlement" programs because the some of the people who benefit from them seem to expect things from that program. I was thinking today about how some people view Christianity in the same light. How the minute you accept Jesus then your life magically gets better. And on top of that, you will receive nothing but blessings and good things because you’re a “Christian”. Or, even (and I am guilty of this as well) that because you’re a Christian, you’re somehow exempt from really terrible things happening to you. Prepare yourselves for a wakeup call, my friends. Because that’s just bogus. It really is.

Just because we’re Christians and accept Jesus into our hearts, DOES NOT exempt us from the bad things in life and also does not guarantee that we will receive blessings all the time. One of the things I have also learned is that, in my Christian walk, if I do not give in the first place, I shouldn’t expect anything in return. Let me clarify. Think of it as a bank (and I heard this concept on a radio broadcast once). You go in and deposit money. Your money earns interest and you can draw on the money because you invested it and it is available for you to use. However, if you do not deposit money, there will be nothing for you to draw on. Philipians 4:19 says that “My God will meet all your needs according to His riches in Glory in Christ Jesus”. If you do not invest your time and effort into God, how can you expect Him to invest His Riches an Glory in you? That might be a little tough of an explanation but it’s meaning is clear.

Another example. Jesus Christ was not exempt from trials and tribulations on this earth either. He went through things that we go through, even today. Why? Because this is a fallen and sinful word. But did he sin? No. He invested into God’s Kingdom and fulfilled His purpose on this earth which was to die for our sins. When we accept Jesus Christ into our hearts, we are not guaranteed a trouble free life. We are guaranteed a trouble free and perfect Heaven. But that time is not now.

Like I mentioned before, I’m just as guilty as the next person. I whine, I complain, I fail at fulfilling my calling. And to some extent, I “expect” good things to happen. And when they don’t, I cry and ask God why these things are happening to me. When good things happen to us, it’s because we serve a good and loving Father who also extends to us Grace. What is Grace? John MacAurthur defines it as “the free and benevolent influence of a holy God operating sovereignly in the lives of undeserving sinners.” Other people have used the pneumonic G.R.A.C.E. – God’s Riches at Christ’s Expense. I personally, like John MacArthur’s version better because in it is a word which really drives this point home. Undeserving. You, me, all of us are underserving of Grace. And yet, when Grace is bestowed upon us, we mistakenly think that it’s because of something we’ve done. Because we go to church every Sunday, or maybe because we give x amount in the offering plate at church. I was reading this very moving story of a couple who lost their infant son at 41 weeks. He was still born. Then about 8 months later, they found out they were pregnant again only to find out that this baby had a severe Chromosomal defect and could very possibly not make it full term or even survive once he was born. I read a few of the Mom’s blogs and they were so moving and so powerful. I’m sure my own feeble “why, God?” didn’t even begin to match their heartbroken questions and pain. Well, She delivered the baby 3 days ago. And he lived for 59 precious minutes. They got to hold him, they got to love him, and then God called him home. This family is a devout Christian family and the Mom’s blog bespeaks of her faith even through this dark and difficult time. We ask why we go through these things and it’s because Christ went through them too. Sometimes it takes a little hardship and pain to remind of the fallen world we live in, our own sinful natures, the God we serve and His immeasurable Grace. Sometimes, some of us have to go through trial by fire to test where the center of our universe is. If it’s anywhere but God, then we have our priorities wrong. He comes first and that should never change. Jesus also said  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33). And that is a promise we can rest on. :)

Words - the food of Love? How about a Language of Love...

I've been thinking about words lately. How words are the building blocks to an acquaintance, a friendship, relationship - well, you get what I'm saying. Sometimes I think words are also like foods. They (the bad foods) can tear us down internally and externally and the good foods can build up up and make us feel great. Imagine that you have a cupboard, full of words. And every morning, you go to pick out your words for the day. Let's assume that you're having a rough week and you go straight for the complaining words (junk food, confort foods), the ones that don't bring out the positive aspects of the situation. Or maybe you/re mad at someone - they've done you wrong and so you choose biting words (foods that taste just awful). Ones that make you feel better but don't necessarily help the situation. Or, you're having a great day and you go straight for the good foods, the ones that make you feel good all over for eating healthy. Well, so it is with our words. 

When we use our words we are essentially expressing thoughts, feelings, emotions. When we are angry we tend to say words and use inflection to convey as such. When we are sad…when we are happy... and so the pattern continues.

If you have ever read “the Five love languages” by Dr. Chapman, you will find that “words of affirmation” are considered one of the “love languages”. When I first read the book, I was struck with how accurate the solution seemed. Find somebody’s love language and when you love them in that way all your problems will disappear. You know what I found out? That’s not the case. Just as with any language, there are many dialects that come with it. The same is true for Love languages.

Words are so powerful to me. I am realizing that now. That I will move heaven and earth if you give me the right affirmation for it. But say two wrongs things and you will have an emotional mess on your hands. I am often struck at how at certain times, when we need it the most, the Holy Spirit will allow Scripture to be recalled to our minds. Tonight’s was: 1^st Corinthians 13:11 “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” 

Recently, I acted like a child with my words. I reverted to how I used to deal with tough situations as a child. When my mom would come to me and say “Catherine, you did something wrong”, it was like a knife slicing through my heart. Not because she meant it that way, but because words have such an impact on me. The other night was very much the same. I know I could have handled it better. But It is so difficult when words, though not meant cruelly, feel like they are piercing you right and left. I didn't know how to deal with the situation, other than to shut down and mentally resolve to NEVER do anything of the like EVER again (note for clarification: I didn't do anything dreadful, just made wrong assumptions based on miscommunication). Not because I realized I was in the wrong…but because I never wanted to encounter a situation like that again. 

 I will never forget the time we were doing yard work and I pulled up a root which I thought was a weed. Evidently it was a plant that my dad has been tending to. When he saw me with the root in my hand, he exclaimed “Catherine! What are you doing?! I can’t believe you just pulled that up! I was tending to that plant!” and he shook his head in disgust and I felt about 2 cm tall. I mumbled an apology and I went inside the house and cried. I was sorry for what I had done. I surely didn't mean to, I had no malicious intent…but my dad’s words made me feel even worse. I went back outside and tried to apologize buy couldn't because of the lump in my throat. I’m sure my dad doesn't remember the incident…but I do.

And so it is with words and me. They can build me up, or tear me down. They flow within me constantly, always in my head. When I get an inspiration, it is like the words just flow from my fingertips. I can hardly keep up with them. Then there are times when words fail me.

I wonder if words are my vice. If I have finally found that piece of character that really needs refining. Because it is painful. I don’t mind criticism. Don’t get me wrong. If there is a part of my character that needs to be looked at, I will, hopefully humbly, receive what someone has to say to me. But when it’s a direct “you did this wrong”  there is something about that phrase, whether spoken or implied that just cuts me to the core. I can’t explain it. And the only way I know how to deal with it is to, like I said, never tread down that particular path again.

Why is it that I have such a hard time with that? And why is it that I react so childishly to it? Is it because I never learned any other way to deal with it? Is this something I’m stuck with for life? I definitely don’t like this aspect of myself. I also get hung up on the “well, I’m doing this for you so you should be doing this for me”. But that too, in and of itself, is selfish. It’s a very inward perspective. When I realize these things about myself, I feel so wretched, so dirty, so unworthy. I hate who I am and I desperately wish I could turn back time and take back those times, those instances so I wouldn't be plagued with the memory of them now. But I can’t. And if I could, there would be no reason for Grace. See, if we could magically erase all the stupid things we've said or done, or go back and change the past, then there would have been no need for Jesus to die on the cross. We could make our lives what we want them to look like, rather than face them for what they are. I don’t like my sins, I don’t like how it makes me feel, but it is a good (albeit painful) reminder of how desperately I need a Savior. And how immeasurable His grace is. And that it is ALWAYS there, any time I need it. All I need to do is to be humble enough to ask for it.