Redefined

Over the course of the last 6-7 months, I have walked through several transitions. I left my government job on December 15^th, got engaged on December 19^th, married on January 8^th(also becoming a military wife), started school and coordinated a move, had our wedding ceremony, graduated community college, and then moved 5,000 miles to Hawai’i leaving behind most of my friends, my training academy, my family, and all things familiar to me and my life.

To be honest, the first few days were like vacation. It was a new experience, a new place and it was so cool. Blue water actually exists!

Then reality set in. I missed my family, I missed my pups, I missed my car. I had no idea who I was. I had nothing familiar except my clothes suitcases and material things I had brought with me. Who was I? Besides being a new military wife, I couldn’t begin tell you who I was.

See, my identity has been wrapped up for so long in the material things of my life – I’ve been an engineering intern, a government contractor, a lifeguard, a jiu jitsu player, a judoka – and all those identities resided in Maryland. When I left Maryland, I left a lot of those identities behind.

I feel powerless, as if I don’t know who I am any more. And this has been a huge emotional struggle to walk through. I’ve had to step through several life transitions and as my husband can attest, it hasn’t been a walk in the park. There are some days where I feel completely normal, like it’s no big deal. Other days, I’m a wreck – missing material things that would only temporarily relieve the heartache and loneliness that besets me at times.

Just as I prayed for God to unsettle me throughout this journey, I had failed to think beyond that prayer and what would happen after He unsettled me. Then, tonight, it happened. We were sitting at dinner – Josh was devouring succulent crab legs, happily cracking them and dipping them in butter. I was poking away at my delicious salad and contemplating all the above mentioned thoughts when a word popped into my head – Redefine.

For the past 6 weeks, I have been identifying myself as in the past – who I used to be, where I came from. And that has effectively stopped all forward motion. I cannot progress if I live in and/or lament the past and what used to be.

So what am I? I’m a wife – happily married to, cliché as it is, the most wonderful man in the world. I am a military wife, which means moves like the one we’re in will happen again and again for the near future. I’m still a Jiu Jitsu player, though my game has been put on pause while we transition. I’m still a Judoka, I’m a sister, a daughter, a Godmother and aunt, and Lord willing, will be a mother – All those things have not changed and will not change even though my circumstances inevitably will. It is reminiscent to our relationship with God. Regardless of where we are, who we are, what we’ve done, what we will do – we are Children of the King – and that will never change.

The truth of the matter is that we serve a God that doesn’t change and yet we live in a world that is constantly changing. While I may not like or want to accept the changes, I know that they come from a never changing God.

When things change, there are things lost and things gained – friendships, familiarities, material things – and the thought of losing any of said items can be a hindrance to accepting change. However, we are reminded in Philipians 3:

⁷ But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Those last verses – “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead” – that, my friends, is exactly what God laid on my heart this evening. I am first, and foremost, the daughter of the King and whatever calling he has/will lead me to is my first priority. But to do that, I must let go of the past. In a way, it’s like letting go on the “old self” when you first accept Jesus into your heart. When you take on the new self, you essentially take on the duty (and burden at times[I mean burden in a positive way]) of living for Christ. You’re setting aside all worldly thoughts, emotions, ways of living, now striving to attain the prize, as Paul said, which can ONLY be found through faith in Christ. It’s taking up the cross and following Him, laying down our nets, our occupations, to pursue what our calling is for his Kingdom. I’m reminded of a song that occasionally comes on my playlist when I work out. It’s called “Answer the Call” by Steve Green. Some of the lyrics are

“I answer the call
I take my stand
I choose to live my days on earth
A faithful man
And to that end
I give my all
And in the strength and grace of God
I answer the call”

The same is true for me. I came here to Hawaii knowing I had a purpose. But I was so caught up in what I left behind that I failed to see the incredible opportunity ahead of me. I am rooted and grounded in Christ – the rest is a clean slate. Through God’s strength, I can redefine who I am and who He wants me to be in this next chapter of my life, all while keeping the roles I mentioned above. God can do amazing things in your life – but only if you let him break and unsettle you – and then allow Him to pick those pieces up and put them back together again.