Wrong place, Wrong time? Think again....

As I ponder the current situation I'm in (working full time and going to school part time), I have to weed through current the minor discomforts and brush out the tangles before I'm really able to see the beauty of this situation. If you've known me for quite some time, you've probably heard me grumble and complain about how I have to work full time and go to school part time and how "it's going to take FOREVER to get my degree." First things first - that attitude is NOT glorifying to Christ. I need to change that...pronto.

Over the past few weeks, I've been assessing my health situation. If all these tests and everything come back clear, I will have to attribute the things I'm dealing with to  my crazy, hectic schedule and will need to make some major modifications. Commence the brushing. As I ponder the timing of all of this, I am STRUCK by how perfect it is. Had I been dealing with these issues in the magnitude a year ago, I would have been in a worse situation. In my former position there was no option for working part time. The current position I'm in allows me to work part time - though I'd have to pay more for benefits...big deal. The Good: I keep my Gov position (one that I KNOW God led me to and provided SPECIFICALLY FOR ME), I keep my clearance, I keep my benefits AND I believe they will still pay for school. The Bad: I will have to pick up other part time work to supplement the income I lose. The Goal: Be back in school Full time by Fall. My position is designed for me to go to school and my job has to be flexible with that. The other awesome thing is that all the pressures I feel are SELF MADE. No one is pressuring me at work about anything. I am pressuring myself about everything, ensnaring myself in the lies of the Enemy that I'm not doing a good enough job. That I need to do more. In truth, I should be investing time in the relationships with the people I work for and with, creating a good rapport. I shouldn't be so focused on How many things I can accomplish in a short amount of time. All of these medical and health issues are also a beautiful reminder that we only live once and it's how we live it that matters, not how many promotions we can get or how much money we make. The more we grind ourselves into the dust working so hard for materialistic things, the more it takes a toll on us mentally and physically. These are by far not even close to the best years of my life, but I kind of want to make to those years in one piece and not dependent on medicines to even function. God has lead me thus far and I still feel him leading. I believe He wants me to be in school and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.

Passing on the Sunshine

So this week, the word God has laid on my heart is JOY. Not only is it one of the fruits of the spirits, see an earlier post about that, but it’s also one of my favorite girl names. Though, I think the Lord wants me to see it in a different context this time. I went outside today and sat down on a bench. I let the breeze wash over me and I felt the sun radiate on my face. It is the Perfect Day outside. I imagine that’s what Heaven will be like. A string of never ending, Perfect Days. It’s incredibly hard to be unhappy or sorrowful when the sun is out and shining. It’s no secret that days like this DEFINITELY put people in a good mood.

But what about the days when it’s not perfect? Both in weather and in life? When it’s raining, we can’t exactly sit outside and soak up the sun. You can try to sit outside, but I imagine before long, you’re going to get a little soggy. What about that joy we feel when it’s beautiful out? What happens to that? I know that I often left my mood be dictated by external circumstances: weather, work, school, stress. That joy I feel while basking in the sun is not often present when the storms of life come. Often I feel as if I’m clinging to the boat, like the disciples in Mark 4, crying aloud to Jesus because I’m terrified. I lose faith so quickly. I feel as if I’m sinking. I’m wondering where Jesus is through the midst of my pain. Well, in all truth, Jesus isn’t just going to walk through my front door and whistle a magic tune to make my life balanced again. But He does talk to me. He speaks to me through friends and scripture and as long as I cling to that, I am able to feel His presence. Of course that involves letting go of the boat and stretching out my arms. Have you ever been on a roller coaster? It’s so much easier to hold tight the seat that’s holding you down (as if it’s going to keep you in any tighter;) ). But the minute you let your hands go, you immediately feel free. You experience the rush of the twists and turns and you’re complete trust is in that seat to keep you safe.

Back to Joy: I came up with six words while sitting outside.

Joy, Joyful, Joyfulness, Rejoice, Rejoicing,

Joy: it’s a noun, it’s a feeling, a thing to be had.

Joyful: and adjective. This is a choice. You can choose to be joyful or sorrowful.

Joyfulness: Full of Joy. This comes after choosing to be joyful, it’s a state of being per se.

Rejoice: I look at this word and I often view it as a command. It’s a happy occasion when there’s a reason to rejoice!

Rejoicing: an active verb. I love this one! You’ve received joy and the command to use it.. This is a state of doing so! It’s impossible to fall into the trap of self pity when you’re constantly thanking God for His blessings!

Another Verse that comes to mind is James 1:2-4. I found a really good interpretation of these verses and I’ve pasted it below. I must say, I really do enjoy reading things verse by verse. It opens up a whole new meaning!

James 1:2 – My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials

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1:2 – My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,
1:2 My brethren, – James immediately points to those he is writing to as equals. He never uses his position of authority as a position to abuse power. His humility as a servant is grounded in Christ.
1:2 count it all joy when you fall into various trials, – James’ first direct teaching looks, on the surface to be a paradox. How can it be joyful or even profitable for us when we meet trials? This entire passage focuses on the development of the Christian character.
Christians are not immune to difficulties and hardships, trials and general times of ‘dryness’. Good people can suffer bad things. In these times, though it is the common perception, it is not necessarily God who is testing us. Instead, there stands the point of view that God is allowing us to test ourselves, to reveal to us what is resident within our hearts. God knows what is in our heart, we do not. (Jeremiah 17:9-10)
Count - to consider, think of it. Literally, to think of it as a joy when you fall into various trials.

Joy – from the Greek word chara (Strongs #5479) it literally means gladness and being joyful. Trials are the cause for occasions of which there is to be joy. Matthew Henry writes that “Philosophy may instruct men to be calm under their troubles; but Christianity teaches them to be joyful, because such exercises proceed from love and not fury in God.”

Each one of us is responsible for our reactions to the trials we encounter. The biblical wisdom of James’ message teaches us that by having a joyful spirit we can objectively look at the situation and grow from it. By allowing circumstances to weigh us down and negatively affect our mindset, our vision of the true nature of the problem becomes blurred and we are unable to deal fairly and correctly with it.

When we consider a circumstance with joy we will benefit from the blossoming of other spiritual fruits as our study of the next few verses will show.

when you fall – The Greek word for fall as used in this context is the word peripitoperi, “around”), hence it signifies to “fall” in with, or among, to light upon, to come across. See Luke 10:30 – “among (robbers)”. (Strongs # 4045) and Vines Dictionary defines it as “to fall around” 

into various trials – Quite often trials in our lives come across us, we don’t go seeking them out. In fact most people try to avoid any ‘hardship’. James expressly writes that we should not despise them, but rather learn from them and grow within our own Christian character. It is important to note that the temptation to sin is not from God. He never tempts any one to sin. It is against His moral attributes of holiness and righteousness. Man is responsible for his own sin, however what the enemy intends for evil God can turn it into good.

Trials – The King James version translates trials as ‘divers temptations’. That is ‘manifold temptations’. These trials are ones that have a beneficial purpose. They can be divinely sent (Lk 22:28; Acts 20:19; 1 Pet 1:6; 4:12), though God will not cause us to sin, nor tempt us to sin. Matthew 26:41 warns that we should watch and pray against entering into ‘temptations’ by carelessness or disobedience. God is able to provide a way of escape for ‘no temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to, but with the temptation will make a way of escape’ (1 Cor 10:13). We find that God has a purpose for trials.

Going back to sitting in the sunshine: Since Joy is one of the fruits of the spirit and we are often called to rejoice, I have pondered a couple of things. If we are able to received Joy from God, shouldn’t we pass that on to others? If we can receive such pleasure from a simple thing like sitting in the sun, shouldn’t we strive to be the sunshine in someone else’s life? We all know people who are clinging to that boat, maybe having a hard time letting go. Perhaps we can be a ray of sunshine to them in their time of need. Perhaps we can be a glimpse of Noah’s rainbow, a symbol of God’s promise to His people. Some people call it paying it forward…I think I’ll call it Passing on the Sunshine.

I will fear no evil, for Thou are with me

Good Days and Bad days. Who ever coined that term was not kidding. This week has been nothing but good days and bad days. For whatever reason, I seem to be dealing with stress less and less well. In fact, it's downright horrid. This week, my attitude has SUCKED. I feel like I'm groaning under the weight of everything. I feel the stress physically. It could all be stress related but I'm pursuing routes to try and figure out why I do not feel well. In the past months I've dealt with various health issues. It's gotten to the point to where the physical pain is constant. I've begun acupuncture. I can feel a slight difference, but that ill feeling is still there. I exercise, I eat relatively healthy...on the flip side, I work long hours and go to school which has the stress of homework, tests, quizzes etc. On paper, I"m the picture of health - but something is off. I can feel it. So next week, I'm going to an ENT to rule out or diagnose middle ear infection. I've got all the symptoms: temporary hearing loss, CONSTANT ringing in my ears, vertigo, ill feelings... There's also Meneire's disease (I botched the spelling) which also has the tinnitus (ringing in ears) but can also be caused by Lyme Disease, which I've had... Also looking into the possibilty that the Lyme is back... The unfortunate thing about that is that there are few doctors who actually give credence to Lyme causing chronic fatigue. I know I sound like a hypochondriac, but I just want the pain to go away...without meds. I don't like taking meds. It is only temporary and it's not treating the cause...only the symptoms. I want my back to stop hurting and spasming. I feel spriritually attacked, I feel physically attacked. I was on such a high, now I'm on a major low. I don't like feeling so emotionally like a roller coaster. I went to WGTS 91.9 Prayer Works website and it was a good encouragement for me, in that there are many others struggling too. It struck home how AWESOME out God is that He is OMNIPOTENT, OMNIPRESENT and OMNISCIENT. That he doesn't stick our prayers in a folder labeled "I'll get to those later"...He hears us when we call. Maybe we're too busy talking and not doing enough listening. So that's the end of my rant. I'm going to be quiet now and let God speak to me.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side. 

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; 
 leave to your God to order and provide; 
 in every change God faithful will remain. 
 Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend 
 through thorny ways leads to a joyful end. 

My Big Sister

As the second oldest of five kids, and the oldest girl, I have no big sisters...except for Mandy Chang. We first met in August of 2008 at my interview with Perot Systems. She was incredibly nice and kind - something I was not used to at my former job. Even though we met then, I didn't really get to know her until she came back from Hawaii. She had gone there for about 3 months on a work assignment. When she came back, we began working together. I had picked up the basics of the new job and still had a lot to learn. Our work relationship started out rocky - Her getting back into the DC routine and me getting used to the work routine in itself. But we eventually worked out the kinks and started working as a team. She would always come in at o-dark-thirty to do reports and I would show up, check e-mail, piddle around a bit and then we would walk over to the other site together. On those walks we would talk, about nothing in particular, only to fin out we had a lot of similarities. We both like to swim (yay!) both have a love for German culture and many other things. Mandy would also bring her Bible and devotional in every day and would often share via e-mail what she had read or things that jumped out at her. As I saw her love for God and Jesus and how she often spoke of it to others, I truly began to understand Christ's love through her. When she came back from Hawaii, she left behind a boyfriend (now husband) and new family at the church. I knew how deeply she wanted to go back and made trips every few months back "home" as she called it. Her prayer was for a job to open up so she could move back. Secretly, I didn't want her to go, but I knew if something came up, she would leave. I don't know how many times she sent out her resume.. I don't know how many people she contacted or pleaded for word of anything opening up. Nothing came up. Not for a long time. I watched her struggle, wrestle with God and His will that seemed to keep her here. We cried together, we prayed together and through these moments, we became close. She was with me as I went through a breakup. She cried with me, she prayed with me. We were truly becoming family. Those months that she was here was most certainly a God-thing. Through her, I saw His love and began to know Jesus in a way I never had before. It also deepened the bond that we now have. It's incredibly hard to explain that connection we have but we often joke that we were twins separated at birth. After she left for Hawaii when God opened up the door, it was very hard without her. I fell away from God. In fact, I have spent the better part of the last several years running from God and His love, chasing other material things to fill the hole that the breakup left me with.  But Mandy (and ultimately Christ, through her) was always there. When I was lonely and needed to talk to her, she was there. When I was struggling with something, she was there with the words of encouragement I so needed to hear. Her love for me never wavered and that is what stood out to me the most. It was so reminiscent of the love Christ has for us. That no matter how far we run, He's always there, waiting for us to fall on our face and stretch out our arms to be picked up.

In recent months, God has done an amazing thing in my life. I decided in July to go to Germany. I bought a plane ticket, booked hostels and went. All by myself. When most of my other friends were asking if I was crazy, Mandy said to have a great time and enjoy it [but as a sub-clause she said that if ANYTHING HAPPENED to call her and she'd be on the next flight to Germany to get me..I have a great Big Sister ;) ]. I knew that God was going to do something amazing and powerful. I didn't know what, but it was going to be awesome. And it was. In the past months since I came back, I realigned my priorites and God has been revealing himself to me in awesome ways I cannot even begin to describe. But even more than that, He's transforming me into His image. There are things happening in my life that I can't explain other than attribute them to the Holy Spirit. And I know, without a doubt that He put Mandy into my life for a reason and used her mightily. 

I have two younger sisters and for so long, I have struggled with being a "Good Big Sister". I struggle with being a good role model and encouraging my sisters when they need it. I just haven't figured out how. Well, in the past weeks, I was pondering Mandy and how she's been a big sister to me and the thought struck me. Her example, and ultimately Jesus's example, are excellent places to start. So in 2012 and onward, (and if you know me, I NEVER make New Year's resolutions), with God's help, my resolutions are to become a better sister, a better friend and ultimately serve Christ in the occupations He's put me in. My prayer is to make a life changing difference in someone's life, just as Mandy was in mine. 

I love you, Mandy. Thank you for being My Big Sister. You are so special to me and even though 5,000 miles separate us, nothing can break this bond. :) :) :) 

When the Going gets Tough, the Tough get Going.

As I spend time with God every day, He is revealing more and more to me from his word. I am reading old passages with new eyes. There are meanings that I have never picked up before. Every time I discover something new I want to share with the world how great our God is! How He reveals himself to us in such small yet amazing ways. He doesn't just come out and say "Here I am". He speaks to me through His word, through other people and other various means. The Verse he laid on my heart this morning (and I actually pondered about this one a couple of months ago)  was Proverbs 3:5-6. My Dad always used to quote this verse and it's one of his favorites. I've always like it too.

Proverbs 3:5-6

New King James Version (NKJV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

This is not always the easiest thing to do. When we put ALL our trust in God, we are ultimately giving up that part of us that likes to be in control. I am an "in control" person. I like to control EVERYTHING. Sometimes ever other people. So, as a control freak, this is extremely hard to do. In fact for the better part of the last 5 years, I've attempted to control everything about my life. And when it spun out of control, I lost it. Rather than leaning on God, I relied on my own strength and often felt like I failed. It's so important to remember from where we get that strength in the first place - Him. Jeremiah 29:13 also says "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." This is so true. Our relationship with God cannot, CANNOT, be something that that is done half heartedly. When we give our hearts to Jesus, accepting Him as our savior, there's no fractions in that equation. He calls for our Whole hearts and that's the least we can give Him

And lean not on your own understanding;

I LOVE this one. It is so true for me. I read in "Jesus Calling" that sometimes you feel as if you're in a fog. That you can't see the road in front of you. Boy, do I know that feeling! And it's so frustrating! You're asking yourself what's going on, God where are you, I can't see anything blah blah blah. Have you ever considered that maybe that "fog" is really God gently pushing you to focus ONLY on what's in front ot you? That maybe there are things up ahead which you cannot understand right now? Sure, they'll make sense at that time, but you're not at that point yet. When we lean on our own understanding, we're also relying on the part of us that's human and falliable. We make mistakes, we misunderstand a lot of the time. Would you rely on a subject matter expert if they made mistakes and didn't really seem to have a grip on their "subject matter"? I wouldn't either! So it is with us. We don't always understand what's going on - we can't. Therefore, it's important to rely on Him who is omnipotent and omnipresent.

6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,

Another biggie. All Your Ways.. Not all your Way...Ways. What a powerful sentence. We as humans have a lot of ways. We're always doing something. I looked up acknowledge in the dictionary. Some other tranlations have the word "submit", but the meaning is the same:

1: to recognize the rights, authority, or status of

2: to disclose knowledge of or agreement with

3a : to express gratitude or obligation for <acknowledge a gift>

So, in essence, in all our ways, we should be recognizing God's authority as our Creator and not only that but thanking Him as well!. It is through Him that we are able to do anything really and it's important to recognize that.

And He shall direct[a] your paths.

If you notice from the first verse, the author seems to be directing this to an individual, not a group. He mentions one heart, own understanding and then goes on to mention ways and paths. Again, Paths. Not path. We walk down many roads. Roads of happiness, joy....sorrow, pain, discomfort. There are many stages to the journey of the Christian Life. Ups and downs, laughter and tears. And just like a race, all the terrain is not the same. However, there's only one finish line. And God knows precisely where it is and when we will cross it.

My Favorite Fruit

The fruits of the Spirit: Can you name them? If it weren't for a bible song I learned years ago, I probably wouldn't be able to. But here they are:

Galatians 5:22-23

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

"against such things there is no law" - How cool is that!! In a world and a time when our lives are bound by what we CAN'T do (e.g. can't talk on the cell phone while driving, can't get a good job without a college degree, can't do this, can't do that) it is so refreshing to see a list of things we CAN do!

We CAN be kind, we CAN be joyful, we CAN make peace, we CAN be patient, ETC! Yes, it's a choice, but by the grace of God we CAN do it! 

The Praying Hands

I look at my hands - what do I see? I see my left thumb which has been ever so loving dubbed double jointed. I see the grooves in my skin around my knuckles. I see the callouses brought on by jiu jitsu and gripping the gi. I feel strength, I feel a tender touch. I feel that God has given me the gift of the use of my hands. In massage therapy or cooking - these are some of my strengths and I feel as if he is calling me to use them. My prayer is that he opens up opportunities to serve others with my hands, whether it's making meals or helping someone who needs relief or even just a hug. I feel automatically drawn to people who are suffering or in need. Sometimes I see these opportunities but it most times requires me to give something of mine and that is my time. My time is precious to me as there's little of it. I have to remember that my time, my life is not my own and therefore I shouldn't be so selfish about it. I remember the painting "The praying hands" but Albrecht Durer. As the story goes, the reason for this painting was his friend. The two made a pact that one would work while supporting the other while he pursued art. The pact was that after the one was finished with school, the roles would reverse. Durer was the one who got to pursue art first while his friend supported him. His friend worked so hard that his hands became badly crippled enough that he would never be able to pursue the art dream. What unselfish servant-hood!

 I just came back form church and the sermon was about Colossians 1: 3-14 and how we can pray better. Fascinating. There were three main things that the pastor said about praying. First, that we should thank God that his Grace is still bearing fruit. The second was that we should ask Him to fill us with the knowledge of His will for our lives and how we can live a life pleasing to Him. The third thing was to ask that He would empower us, give us endurance, patience, joy and gratitude. This is so different from how I've prayed in the past. I've prayed for things that I think will make MY life better. It's not a bad thing to pay for the things we want, but if that's our sole focus, then maybe we need some realigned thinking. Rather, I think, we should be praying for God to show us how we can serve Him and further His kingdom. So that's my new prayer. Thankful for God's free, amazing Grace...Praying for the knowledge of His will for My life...and how I can use my hands to Serve Him.

My 5 Year Plan

The excerpts below are from Jesus Calling, one of my now favorite books. I've been on travel this past week and I hadn't taken my devotional with me like I probably should have. I typically leave it at work and so I usually go through the weekend without reading Saturday or Sunday passages...perhaps it's time to buy a second book...but I digress. It's been a while since I read it and my Bible and I can feel the effects spiritually. I came in this morning fully intending to read today's passage and I ended up reading the past few days as well. These are the ones that spoke to me this morning.

Jan 30

Worship ME only. Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god. Worries, if indulged, develop into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage by affirming your trust in Me and refreshing yourself in My Presence. What goes on in your mind is invisible, undetectable to other people. But I read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of trust in Me. I rejoice when you mind turns toward Me. Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought-choices will keep you close to Me.

Psalm 112:7, I Cor 13:11

Feb 1

Follow Me one step at time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see a huge mountain looming, and you start wondering how you're going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you're not looking where you're going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Out path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains. There may an easier way up the mountain than is visible in the distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways. Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying My presence. Walk by Faith, not by sight, trusting in Me to open the way before you.

Psalm 18:29, Psalm 91:11-12 (AMP), 2 Cor 5:7 (NJKV)

Feb 4

Bring Me your weakness, and receive My Peace. Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering that I am sovereign over everything. Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning. Instead, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through this day; they will keep you close to me. As you live in the radiance of My Presence, My Peace shines upon you. You will cease to notice how weak or strong you feel, because you will be focusing on Me. The best way to get through this day is step by step with Me. Continue this intimate journey, trusting that the path you are following is headed for heaven.

Ps 29:11, Num 6: 24-26, Ps 13:5

I love the part that goes Bring Me Your Weakness. BAM. There's another reading that talks about giving up this clenched fisted, controlled life and releasing it, bowing our heads to God's will.

It brings to mind the lyrics to Reliant K's song Never Underestimate My Jesus:

"I throw up my hands

oh the impossibilities

Frustrated and tired

Where do I go from here?

Now I'm searchin' for

The confidence I lost so willingly

Overcoming these obstacles

Is overcoming my fears

I think I can't

I think I can't

but I think you can

I think you can

gather my insufficiencies (and insecurities) and

place them in your hands

I've been seeing/hearing "Be Still" again. I know I definitely fell off that band wagon. Last week was probably one of the most stressful ones I've had in a long time. It was mostly my fault for letting my new schedule get to me. Why it's so hard to trust Jesus with these things in life I don't know. I was lying in bed last night and I saw to my right a journal I started in 2006. A few entries here and there but most of them were written by a sad, lonely 18-19 year old. I marvel at how far God has brought me. Looking back then I could have never imagined that He would get me this far. That thought gives me inexplicable peace and hope. So when people ask me what my 5-year plan is, I can most assuredly say that in 5 years, I want to be thanking God even more for the things He has brought me to and through. I want to know Him more but most importantly I want to enjoy this expeience of walking with Him.