Weeds

Weeds - we all hate them. They serve no purpose except to kindle frustration when tending to our lawn or garden. Since having moved to Hawaii, we now have a house which is part of a fourplex and with that comes our yard. Our section is technically bounded by measurements from here to there, but we decided to go ahead and take care of the whole lawn anyway, no biggee.
Over the weekend, we purchased lawn equipment: rakes, fertiliser, mower etc...and today, Josh spent the majority of the day outside tending to the lawn. I came out and helped him for a bit. What I found was that out lawn contains many, many weeds.  Lots of 'em. In fact, there are places where there are more weeds than grass. Not only do we have a plethora of weeds, we have several different types. As I was pulling these weeds, it reminded me of the weeds in our lives.
See, to me, our lives start out as a fresh area of grass - pure, untouched, green, fresh. As time goes on, if left intended, the outside invaders -sin (aka weeds) creep in.
Just like in our yards, there are many different types of weeds in our lives.
In our yard, we have one particular weed that masquerades as grass - yet it is choking the grass and prohibiting growth. Such could be a person or friend in our lives that seems harmless but in reality is a negative impact on our spiritual lives.
Other weeds snake through the grass and grow in its place, leaving more weed than grass in the lawn. There are also weeds like clover which grow in clumps and never really seem to go away and are always just...there. Then, there are even other weeds whose roots grow so deep that you would have to dig up a good portion of the yard to completely dispose of it. Such are the weeds in our lives. Jealously for example - perhaps jealously snakes through our thoughts, completely masking the good that God has placed into our lives. Or, like the clover, there's that sin that is just always there - never really going away. Or, the bigger ones - the ones whose roots go so deep that it seems impossible for them to be completely gone. And if they're torn up and exposed, what they leave behind is a patchy, bare, mess.
My friends, every lawn has to be torn up now and again. In order for the grass to grow again the weeds have to be removed. In the case of our yard, it requires a chemical fertliser, but it your life, what does it require? I know that the sins I. My life have required me to take a hard look at myself and admit otherwise painful things that I know are true. It requres me to die to self and do the things that inconvenience me, if only to bless other people. It requires me to be on my knees, asking to to yet again forgive me because I have messed up. It requires me to realize and believe that I am a sinner, and I desperately need a Savior. What do the weeds in your life require to be rid of them. Sure, it's easy to ignore them - but over time, they will eat away at you and leave you with a constant reminder if their presence.
However, if you deal with the weeds in your life, there may be holes left behind. But not to fear. Jesus can fill those holes. And while they may not be completely filled right away, know that He is working behind the scenes. Just like grass doesn't grow over night. That takes time, especially when the weeds have penetrated for so long. And eventually, just as the dark comes before the morning, you will soon see new growth, new grass, a fresh start.

Redefined

Over the course of the last 6-7 months, I have walked through several transitions. I left my government job on December 15^th, got engaged on December 19^th, married on January 8^th(also becoming a military wife), started school and coordinated a move, had our wedding ceremony, graduated community college, and then moved 5,000 miles to Hawai’i leaving behind most of my friends, my training academy, my family, and all things familiar to me and my life.

To be honest, the first few days were like vacation. It was a new experience, a new place and it was so cool. Blue water actually exists!

Then reality set in. I missed my family, I missed my pups, I missed my car. I had no idea who I was. I had nothing familiar except my clothes suitcases and material things I had brought with me. Who was I? Besides being a new military wife, I couldn’t begin tell you who I was.

See, my identity has been wrapped up for so long in the material things of my life – I’ve been an engineering intern, a government contractor, a lifeguard, a jiu jitsu player, a judoka – and all those identities resided in Maryland. When I left Maryland, I left a lot of those identities behind.

I feel powerless, as if I don’t know who I am any more. And this has been a huge emotional struggle to walk through. I’ve had to step through several life transitions and as my husband can attest, it hasn’t been a walk in the park. There are some days where I feel completely normal, like it’s no big deal. Other days, I’m a wreck – missing material things that would only temporarily relieve the heartache and loneliness that besets me at times.

Just as I prayed for God to unsettle me throughout this journey, I had failed to think beyond that prayer and what would happen after He unsettled me. Then, tonight, it happened. We were sitting at dinner – Josh was devouring succulent crab legs, happily cracking them and dipping them in butter. I was poking away at my delicious salad and contemplating all the above mentioned thoughts when a word popped into my head – Redefine.

For the past 6 weeks, I have been identifying myself as in the past – who I used to be, where I came from. And that has effectively stopped all forward motion. I cannot progress if I live in and/or lament the past and what used to be.

So what am I? I’m a wife – happily married to, cliché as it is, the most wonderful man in the world. I am a military wife, which means moves like the one we’re in will happen again and again for the near future. I’m still a Jiu Jitsu player, though my game has been put on pause while we transition. I’m still a Judoka, I’m a sister, a daughter, a Godmother and aunt, and Lord willing, will be a mother – All those things have not changed and will not change even though my circumstances inevitably will. It is reminiscent to our relationship with God. Regardless of where we are, who we are, what we’ve done, what we will do – we are Children of the King – and that will never change.

The truth of the matter is that we serve a God that doesn’t change and yet we live in a world that is constantly changing. While I may not like or want to accept the changes, I know that they come from a never changing God.

When things change, there are things lost and things gained – friendships, familiarities, material things – and the thought of losing any of said items can be a hindrance to accepting change. However, we are reminded in Philipians 3:

⁷ But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Those last verses – “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead” – that, my friends, is exactly what God laid on my heart this evening. I am first, and foremost, the daughter of the King and whatever calling he has/will lead me to is my first priority. But to do that, I must let go of the past. In a way, it’s like letting go on the “old self” when you first accept Jesus into your heart. When you take on the new self, you essentially take on the duty (and burden at times[I mean burden in a positive way]) of living for Christ. You’re setting aside all worldly thoughts, emotions, ways of living, now striving to attain the prize, as Paul said, which can ONLY be found through faith in Christ. It’s taking up the cross and following Him, laying down our nets, our occupations, to pursue what our calling is for his Kingdom. I’m reminded of a song that occasionally comes on my playlist when I work out. It’s called “Answer the Call” by Steve Green. Some of the lyrics are

“I answer the call
I take my stand
I choose to live my days on earth
A faithful man
And to that end
I give my all
And in the strength and grace of God
I answer the call”

The same is true for me. I came here to Hawaii knowing I had a purpose. But I was so caught up in what I left behind that I failed to see the incredible opportunity ahead of me. I am rooted and grounded in Christ – the rest is a clean slate. Through God’s strength, I can redefine who I am and who He wants me to be in this next chapter of my life, all while keeping the roles I mentioned above. God can do amazing things in your life – but only if you let him break and unsettle you – and then allow Him to pick those pieces up and put them back together again.

Life is more than Food

When God speaks to me, He doesn’t do so in a loud thunderous voice with paragraphs and paragraphs of things for my brain to digest and chew. No, My Heavenly Father knows me very well. He knows how I learn. I learn in segments. I learn in pieces. I take as much time as I can on each piece until I know it well and then move on to the next one. Each one builds on top of the next one. It is the same way in Jiu Jitsu. I take each technique and focus on one aspect of it until I feel comfortable with it and then move on to the next aspect. For some people, they may consider this as slow learning. I have never been one to be a late-nighter, day-before-test-crammer, and succeed (though I admit, I am a day before test crammer). And so it is when the Father soeaks to me. He speaks in segments, phrases, small words or short verses. And then gives me time to mentally chew it and digest it, absorbing all of the spiritual nutrients I can from it. And then He’ll give me another one. He’ll lay another verse, phrase or word on my heart. The last time I walked through this experience, God gave me, over the course of several months, 5-6 verses that I believe He specifically wanted me to read and reflect upon. The end result was a paragraph of biblical truth that I needed to apply to my life.

I believe I wrote a post about how what has been on my heart lately was “Unsettle Me” and I wrote about how God was doing that in my life already. Here’s what He’s put on my heart since then and other things going on because of it.

Background: Back home, before I left for Hawai’i, I was going out to dinner with some ladies from church. I got there early and there was a Christian Book Store nearby and so I went in. As I was perusing around, I picked up a book called “Made to Crave Devotional”. As I picked it up and started reading, I was encouraged that someone had written a book documenting struggles that I have been going through for the last several years. I realized there was also a book called “Made to Crave” which had come out before the devotional. I went back and forth on which one I wanted and ended up with both of them. I had also bought a book called “It Starts with Food” and had been reading that.

 Let me preempt this background with the knowledge that I have always struggled with my weight and body image. I have been on the low side of the scale and the high side. I have done all forms of exercise, tried different kinds of diets, only to be frustrated and discouraged in the end when the results I was expecting didn’t come. I have seen more infomercials than I can count and wished countless times that I was on the other side of the screen in my skinny jeans holding my “too big now” pants, proclaiming the amount of weight and inches I had lost on this new miraculous diet. I have asked people if I look fat, only to have them tell me no and still in my mind not believe them. I have been in clothing stores, looking longingly at outfits that I can only dream of wearing. I could go on,  but you get the idea.

When I got to Hawai’I, I decided to include the books into my devotional i.e. read a chapter each time I read my bible and journal my thoughts and reflections. This is the book from which God used “Unsettle Me” From. The newest thing he laid on my heart was two fold:  1) Life is more than food, 2) you are more than enough.

Wow. What a revelation. Life. Is. More. Than. Food.

I had never thought of food in that context before. To me, food was good, bad, delicious, yummy, you name it. I never thought that food could be the source of a spiritual struggle. As I delved deeper into the book, the author describes her spiritual struggle with food. How when she gives into cravings, she’s giving into temptations and thereby letting Satan have control over this area in her life. I was dumbfounded. And then I turned the microscope on me – in what areas was I letting Satan have control over my life? You got it – my body image and my weight. The Bible says “There is no fear in love” and it also says that “God is Love”. Well, if every time I step on the scale, afraid of the number I’m about to see, how can that possibly be a God-honoring way to live? Living in fear of a scale? Living in fear of a number, a clothing size – no thank you! Even on the flip side – being AFRAID of a food because you think it will make you fat? I repeat – NO THANK YOU!

As I looked at my life and really examined some things in my life I struggled with, I pin pointed a single item which had me in bondage. Coffee.  But coffee is good for you, it has so many antioxidants, how can you not have coffee – could all be potential responses from people who don’t understand how this is rooted in spiritual struggles. I’ll outline mine for you:

1)      I always looked forward to my coffee i.e. I was beginning to feel that I couldn’t live without it. If someone had challenged me to live without coffee for a week, I’d look at you like you were crazy.

Coffee has no longer become something I can simply enjoy, but more of a necessity. I think of the verse “Man does not live by bread alone”. If I insert coffee, or any food for that matter, my outlook on coffee is in direct violation of that verse.

 Any time I have ventured on a diet, the coffee was one thing I couldn’t give up. I HAD to have my coffee. Living life with that kind of need, whether it be food or something else, is not healthy.

         2) Portion control, when it came to coffee, was a foreign concept to me. The author of the book has an excellent chapter on portion control and I can honestly say that portion control and I do not have a monogamous relationship. The temptation to eat more and more is so hard to overcome and most of the time, I end up losing that battle. With coffee, it was the size of my drink. I always love a big steaming mug of coffee in the mornings and love the cream when it makes the coffee the right color.

Let me just add that I am not singling coffee out. This is my struggle. For some people, that struggle may be sugar, or soda, bread, snack foods. You get the idea.

As I went through these chapters, I felt God calling me to give up this area of my life. I have tried so many times and failed. But this time it felt different and so I prayed. I prayed for God’s strength to get through this. I challenged myself for a week (7 days) of no coffee. (as I type, I’m on day 9). I was in the middle of a pretty nasty 4 day headache when I made this decision and then incurred 4 mouth ulcers (fever blisters) that were excruciatingly painful that hurt whenever I talked, ate, moved, etc. I firmly believe that it was a spiritual attack because of the nature of the headache and the blisters. I had a little relief from medicine but nothing which helped the swelling in my mouth go down or something which took away the throb of my head. I went to be with my dear sister Mandy and we spent a lot of time talking about the Lord and spent some time in prayer. While I was with her, I noticed an almost 100% difference in the swelling in my mouth and a decrease of pain in my head. I am convinced that last week’s pain was a direct result to my decision to not drink coffee, in obedience to what I felt the Lord was showing me in regards to my food choices.

***This is where I left off while I was typing. I'm picking up and it's now into week 3 of now coffee ;)***

And so this ends another post full of ramblings – God’s doing great things in my life. He’s addressing character flaws that I have and one by one, picking out the weeds. This journey’s going to be amazing – I just know it.  :)