From Blog to Book?

Sometimes I wonder what "Divine Inspiration" is. I think that it's different for each person, but I believe in it all the same. Some folks scoff at the idea of anything being "divinely' inspired. They might think it's a bunch of rubbish. But I believe that it how god communicates with us. He puts things on our hearts or our minds and using scripture to feel that spiritual seedling. The thing that's been most on my mind is writing a book. Using the posts from this blog and putting all these thoughts together into a collection of lessons God has taught to me. And the thing that has been sitting most vividly in my mind as a title is "More Than Enough". Because is it so true. Both in God's case, and ours. We are more than enough for God - He made us, He called us, He has a purpose for us - we are the clay and He is the Potter. Likewise, He is More than enough for us. He is Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. God is Love, our first Love. I could go on and on. With these two truths in mind, I would focus on a major problem we encounter in the United States - Self-image and Self-worth. I can tell you from experience that it's hard not to harshly judge yourself when you look at the magazine rack at the store. Beautiful women, with seemingly perfect bodies, perfect skin, beautiful makeup - you walk away thinking "Gosh I wish I looked like that!" or "Welp, Diet starts today!". But behind the lens of the camera that took that picture is a far from perfect woman. Makeup, Hair Products, Photo shop - all those items were used to create that "perfect" picture. What if we started to look at ourselves through the Lens of the Bible and not through the world? What if we took a deep breath and really evaluated ourselves through the eyes of God and Scripture? I think you'd be pleasantly surprised at the results. See, unlike the world, there are no size requirements. There's no skin tone or color, weight, jean size, shoe size, hair color specifications etc. When we accept Jesus into our hearts, the Bible tells us we are as white as snow. Remember waking up to snow some morning, before it's been messed up by road salts and shovelers? It's perfect isn't it :) Well, when we are right with God, we are washed in the Blood of the Perfect Savior - and that is enough to come to God. In fact, that's the only way to come to God. Through the blood of the lamb. In the Old Testament, not just any lamb would do. A Lamb for sacrifice had to be spotless, without blemishes. Likewise, Jesus, had to be perfect, without blemishes. Now, I'm not talking about acne - I'm talking about the blemishes that come when we sin. And he did not sin.
Another focus I might take is one of finding our self-image in God. You can't just read "He is more than Enough". You have to believe it. When you believe it, when your trust is completely in Him, When HE Is Your All, your first Love, than you are what I like to call, Grounded in Christ. Planted on a rock that will never be shaken. There is a huge problem with this in our country. We are told that we will not be happy unless we have this amazing tablet or newest smart phone. That because our current one is slower and less functional, that we will suffer until we pay huge amounts of money to upgrade. That unless we're a size 0 with a 5% body fat, that we will never be truly happy with our bodies. That unless we are leaning on a man's arm, no matter who he is or where he's from or what he believes, that we will never find true happiness. That it's ok to throw morals and values away, all for the sake of a little romance. How sad for the young women in generations to come! I can't stress this enough! IF you are grounded in Christ than all of those other things do not and should not matter! Because we can never be TRULY happy unless we choose to have happiness in Christ. I am often struck with how often I wondered "who I was". There are people who go on massive "spiritual" journeys, to holy places or remote lands, to find themselves. What I have found, is that you will "find yourself" when you ask God to reveal your purpose. I think that people who are in search of who they are, are really in search for their purpose or meaning in life.  Not everyone is going to have the same purpose. It's just not possible. If everyone in a car plant did the same thing, nothing else would be accomplished. There is no way we can each have the same purpose. Going back to some old thoughts from a recent post, we are His workmanship. He uses us, our talents, our abilities, to further His kingdom. He's coming back one day and only he knows when. Matthew 24: 36 says " ³⁶ “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." We are to be prepared at all times. We are to give an account for the hope that is within us. 1st Peter3:15 "¹⁵ But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect," My Pastor challenged my Sunday School class to write out their testimony, having it be no longer than 3 minutes. What's your testimony? What was your life before Christ? I know I've covered a lot of topics but I can't wait to begin to compile these thoughts and see where God takes them and uses them. My prayer is that He uses my gifts for His purpose and His kingdom. :) 

The Rainbow Connection

Did you ever play the game called Life? The one where you started out with you in  a car and along the way, your "life" was determined by the cards you were dealt. Your job, how many Kids you had, whether you were successful or not - All of those things rested in the hands of the dealer and the "luck of the draw". Too often I hear phrases such as "well, that's how the cards were dealt" or, "it's just not in the cards for me"  and I can't help but think how awful it is if people really think that their life is analogous to a game of cards.   Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.(Or make your paths straight)" I wrote another blog post dissecting this verse..you can read it here. But I think the most important part of that verse is "Trust in the Lord with all you heart...and he will make your paths straight."

I have seen the truth of this verse in my own life many, many times. The more I trust my ways to God and rely on Him and not my own understanding, He makes it clear to me that path I should go. One misconception about Christians is that we have a "perfect" life and that is not the case at all. We are all sinners - every last one of us. The difference between true followers of Jesus Christ and those who are lost, is that His followers have a relationship with Him and long to conform to His image. It is not enough to go to church, to know who God is, to acknowledge His existence, all the while not pursuing a relationship with Him. But I digress.

Unlike the game of Life, our paths are not determined by cards or luck. They are ultimately determined  by the choices we make. Whether to take this job or move to this city - these decisions impact and sometimes alter our course through life. And an interesting facet of these courses are the people we meet as we go along. Some are friends, some are acquaintances and it is these relationships that shape who we become as people. Have you ever met someone who had such a huge impact on you that you found it hard to forget them. I think we can all say we have had that experience, or as I like to call it "Rainbow Connection". (Rainbow Connection being a friend or aquaintance whom you believe God has purposfully placed in your life for a sepcific reason, a promise of His faithfulness) It has happened many times throughout the course of my life. Each stage of life I have had, has simply set me up for a better and greater chapter than the one before. And some of the doors have been opened and closed by the relationships that I have begun and also ended. Each and every one has served a purpose or is still serving a purpose. I don't know where it leads, but it is an amazing thing to watch. To think that a Job interview in 2009  (that I almost turned down), would lead to meeting my true spiritual sister as well as friends and acquaintances that would lead to a government internship. That internship, in turn led to meeting another dear friend (one to whom I feel great attachment because of some things she is going through). Through her, I would meet the man I am currently in a relationship with, a man I prayed for (with specifics) and God met every single one of my requests. Through this relationship and his loving me enough to have a heart to heart with me about what my pasisons are, I have realized that the last four years of working in an engineering environment was a means to an end, not my end...but God's end. I am not meant to be an engineer. Can I do it? Absolutely. But my calling is elsewhere and it involves the use of my hands. It has not yet been revealed to me how to use them in a specific manner, but I am on that path by now pursuing a degree in Kinesiology with supplemental focuses on massage therapy, Personal training, sports injuries and nutrition. The way God has used the experiences in my life, the lessons both good and bad, is truly amazing and astounding. How God can make a beautiful picture of what I thought was a horrid mess (my life) is beyond my comprehension. That fulfillment I longed for I have now found because I am living for God's Purpose, not my own. But that only happens when we are willing to trust our futures, our cares, our happiness into His hands. When we truly come to Him and say "Lord, I am yours, use me as you will" He does that and much more.

 If you are following the will of God, I truly believe that He brings across your path people who make a difference in your life as well as people in whose life you can make a difference. In Romans 9 it says "21 Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?". I realize this may sounds harsh and contrary to the belief that God is a fair God..but it also says in Ephesians 2: 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

And if I may highlight the word "workmanship" The following definition comes from gospel.com: Christians are God's workmanship--tools uniquely designed by God to fulfill a specific purpose. We can rejoice in the knowledge that we are wonderfully made for a reason, and that God continues to work with us throughout our lives. The Greek word for Workmanship is POIEMA. Does that sound familiar? We get the word Poem from Poiema. Poems are typically looked at as masterpieces or even some "works of art" . So you see, we are God's "works of art", created for His purpose and ultimately, His glory. It is not our good works that save us though. We are saved FOR good works, or "saved to serve". James 2: 18 "But someone will say, "You have faith, and I have works." Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. 19 You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe-and tremble! 20 But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?... 26 For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." Going back to what I said earlier - it is not enough to go to church and be a spiritual statue. It is not enough to say "Yes, I believe in God". We are called, we are commanded to love the Lord our God with all of our hearts, our souls and minds. And second to that we are called to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Do you have a special purpose? Or are you for common use? I like to think that if God calls as we listen, we can find our special purpose to further His kingdom. For some it may be in ministry, others, maybe raising their kids in the home. We each have a job to do and the only way to find that job is to open your heart and your ears to the Spirit of God as He guides you down the path of Life He has for you.

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Health

I saw a naturopath over the weekend. The visit was enlightening and scary at the same time. Enlightening in that I'm not going crazy.  My symptoms are real. And there is something I can do about it.

It was scary in that there is so much that goes on within the body that we cannot see - but we can feel it. For example, I've begun a journey of quitting sugar. I've noticed that after I decrease my intake for a while, the minute I have something sugary, I get an instant headache. Or something with carbs - my athlete's foot will flare up. My body has a cycle of feeling "inflamed" and feeling normal. I've noticed this cycle and have, within the last few months/years have really begun to analyze what I eat. By process of elimination, I found that there are certain foods that I can and cannot tolerate. I don't live strictly by these lists but I try.

The naturopath I saw on Saturday confirmed these foods to avoid, among others - without me even telling her and I found that fascinating. The list includes Cow dairy, Goat dairy, apples, oregano, basil, coconut, tomatoes, coffee peppers and some other interesting items. The reason why I have to avoid these foods is because of a chemical imbalance caused by my liver and kidneys not functioning properly. Living a high stress lifestyle for so long, coupled with Lyme Disease 11 years ago, has caused this imbalance. To add to that, I have several heavy metals floating around in my body. High levels of chlorine - from lifeguarding and swimming for a combined 12-13 years. My pH is also off contributing to a constant swing of bacterial and fungal infections. All of these underlying things lead to fatigue, migraines, tinnitus and myriads of other symptoms. I saw so many doctors in 2012, probably more than I have ever seen in my lifetime combined. They all told me I was healthy - but no one explained my symptoms.

So I went on a personal self-diagnosis journey - one that I'm still on.

The first adjustment I tried to make (and am still trying to make) is getting more sleep. Sleep is essential for the body to function correctly. It's a natural "Recharge". The adrenal glands use the sleep time to repair and restore the body. The ideal time to go to bed and actually be asleep is between the hours of 9 and 11. If you are not asleep within this time frame, the adrenals are no able to fully do their job. Compound this over the long term and you have a mess. I realized that I functioned better, felt better (both physically and about myself) and my headaches weren't as frequent or as bad.

The second adjustment I have been making is what I eat. If it comes out of a box or a can, I generally don't eat it..and by this I mean processed foods. As far as processed foods go, we have no idea of the amount of chemicals, preservatives and additives that is used in processed foods. So Good-bye Stouffer's Lasagna and Mac and Cheese. It's been fun but I'd rather make it myself.

   Another food I cut out was dairy. I did this unintentionally at first. I'm not a big milk drinker and with cutting out cereal I had no reason to buy it. I also wasn't eating cheese because I just didn't think about it. The only thing I would eat dairy-wise was an occasional yogurt. One day at the store, I decided I wanted cereal and milk - why not deviate once in a while! And the result was an afternoon of stomach cramping and misery. I realized I had become lactose intolerant (something that runs in my family too). But in reality, most humans really can't process cow dairy. It's very difficult for our bodies to break down the enzymes. But we do it anyway!

   I cut out carbs (breads, pastas etc) because of the yeast factor. I realized that the list of things I could eat was slowly getting smaller and smaller.

I've tried many detoxes, different ways of eating, different supplements, but I never really pinpointed what was going on in my body. I've known something was off but I didn't know what.

The third adjustment has been to decrease the stress in my life - or as some call it, to live slow. I love the thought of living slow. Our society has commercialized the ideas of quick and easy. Weight loss, hair removal, fast food, results in the gym - it's all around us. We have forgotten what it's like to work hard and yet take pride in something. Living slow doesn't mean not living at all. It means slowing down and taking an opportunity to enjoy life, one minute at a time. I understand busy schedules - trust me I do! During my weekdays, I'm up at for a good 18-19 hours of the day between the gym, work and school. I have lived this kind of life for the last 5-6 years. I am now seeing the results of a high stress lifestyle and it is painful.

What has kept me going is my faith, which has been strengthened throughout this ordeal. Through all of this I reground myself in my Jesus and ultimately look to him for the path to healing.

Oddly enough, through these struggles, an email I sent out regarding my health issues back in February indirectly put me in touch with the wonderful man I am currently dating. God has richly blessed me with his love support and encouragement throughout our relationship. God is using him mightily in my life as I seek out God's purpose for me and the gifts he has given me. To put some things in perspective - if I had never been sick, I wouldn't have come crying to Jesus for help when I did. The process of strengthening my faith through God's grace stirred something in me and I had to share it with my family and friends. The e-mail I sent somehow made its way to his inbox and when he read my email he was touched by what he read. We accidently (or not so accidently in God's eyes) met a few months later with me having no idea that he had read that e-mail. We've been dating ever since and I tell this story because it has shown me that God can take ANY and EVERY seemingly bad situation and turn it around for good. But What I've also learned is that people misread Romans 8:28. They read "God works all things together for good"  and fail to remember the "to those who love God and are called according to HIS purpose". When we're living for God and His purpose, using the gifts that we've been given, He is able to take the good, the bad and the ugly and make something completely wonderful. Maybe you're suffering now - physically, emotionally, mentally - maybe at some point, God will bring someone else across your path who is struggling with the same things....giving you an opportunity to witness and minister to them.

Seeing the naturopath gave me hope. She has me on a supplement regimen that is slowly and gently detoxing my body. I have a list of foods to avoid, I have to use more natural cleaning products and perfume/dye free detergent. I've begun to eliminate those specific foods and I'm slow starting to feel the difference. My energy feels better, and my outlook is more positive. But ultimately, I'm reminded that as humans, we're fragile and if we don't start listening to our bodies and taking care of them, we will never reach the full potential that God has in store for us physically and emotionally. I'm blessed with relatively good health. Some other people I know who are also Christians are not and have struggled for years with physical ailments - but what they are blessed with is an incredible mental outlook and an incredible testimony. These people inspire me to continue to pursue my passion of health and fitness. So that, one day,I can help people whether nutritionally, mentally or just by telling my story. God brings special people into lives for a reason. I hope to be that special person for someone one day.

Pasta-less Lasagna

I've been craving lasagna for quite some time. I won't, however, break down and buy any sort of store made, uber processed lasagna because, well, I'm a food snob. Plus, I like to cook and make recipes from scratch. Google has seen many a random recipe search from my ever eager hands, ready to cook. I came across a delicious recipe for lasagna that did not involve noodles or pasta of any kind. Score! So I went to the store, bought the ingredients and made it. It. Was. Amazing. The recipe is posted below. As with most things I make, I don't measure - I guesstimate. I also add whatever sounds good. I'll show my additions as well as the original recipe. Be creative! Think outside the box :) 

Pastaless Zuchinni Lasagna

Ingredients:
2 zucchini, sliced long and thin
1 cup peppers, julienned (I learned something new too! this means cutting thinly sliced..look it up!)
½ cup onions, julienned
1 pint ricotta cheese
2 teaspoons parsley
2 teaspoons oregano
1 tablespoon olive oil
3 cups Homemade Tomato sauce or 1 jar of favorite brand tomato sauce
Salt and pepper to taste

My additions:
1 egg
1 pound lean ground beef
Parmesan Cheese

Preparation:
1.Heat olive oil in a skillet and add peppers and onions.  Cook until tender.

2.Mix herbs, egg, Parmesan Cheese, salt and pepper in ricotta cheese in a small bowl. (I used whole milk ricotta and dry herbs..next time I'll use fresh herbs and see what amazing things happen with the taste!!)

 Where I deviated from the recipe was adding ground beef. I mixed it in with the pasta sauce (I used Prego) and it turned out fabulously! Simply brown the beef in a skillet and drain. Then add to the sauce and mix thoroughly.

3.In a glass-baking dish, place a ½ cup of tomato sauce in the bottom and spread evenly.
4.First layer - zucchini slices.
5.Second  layer - ricotta cheese mixture.
6.Third layer – tomato sauce.
7.Fourth layer -  pepper and onion mixture.
8.Fifth layer - ricotta cheese.
9.Sixth layer – zucchini slices.
10.Seventh layer – tomato sauce.
11.Continue an alternating layering pattern until all materials are used.

12 (again, my addition). Cover generously with Paremsan, Mozzerella, Provolone or whatever cheese you have nearby. 

Bake at 400 degrees for 30-40 minutes. I think because of all my extra additions it took a little longer than I anticipated. 

YUM YUM! Make sure you let it sit for at least 10-15 minutes so that it sets. It will be much easier to cut and serve.

It came out so well. You can alter your own version if you prefer, maybe adding more meat and/or sauce and less cheese or vice versa. As you can see, I didn't double the recipe and it still made enough for more than just me. But it give me yummy and delicious food for quite a while! Because there's meat and veggies it is very filling and nutritious too!. Let me know if you make it and what things you may or may not have done. 

Some things I might change up next time:

To make it vegetarian, I might add Cannelini or Garbanzo beans to the sauce instead of meat. 
I might add mushrooms to the peppers and onions for some added flavor. 
I might do half cottage cheese half ricotta cheese for different textures. 
Or, I could omit the cheese altogether to make it dairy free. 
I think I'll also make my own Tomato sauce next time to keep the amount of processed ingredients to a minimum. Look for that post coming soon!

I'd love to hear any other ideas suggestions!  Happy eating!

Where is your hope built?

"If any man, come after me, let him deny himself, pick up his cross and follow Me into life eternally. Deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow Jesus, He is the way truth and life"

The above song was a little ditty from some tapes my siblings and I used to listen to when we were kids. It was from Paslty the singing song book. Little catchy tunes that effectively transcribed the truths from the Bible. We had almost every tape memorized. For whatever reason, this particular one got stuck in my head today and I was suddenly struck by it's significance. Of course, Jesus isn't talking about a literal cross. Rather, he is talking about the burdens we bear in this human life. Even when we surrender our lives to him and the burden of sin falls off, we're still left with the burden of our humanity. We sin, we make mistakes - but the grace of God covers all of that as along as we realize what we've done and ask for forgiveness. So what does it mean to "pick up your cross"? Simply put, I think it means that as we follow Jesus, we're lugging along our whole kit and caboodle of faults, character flaws, you name it! But in the shadow of the cross, we can be reminded that all has been forgiven. Our sins are nailed to the cross, right where they should be, and that's where they'll stay after we depart this life. For now, we have to drag them around a bit and we're painfully reminded of them from time to time. But there's hope for us - a hope that is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

From 3 years ago..

I wrote this note almost 3 years ago and its truth is atill applicable today.

"I do a lot of thinking...My thought flow is about a million miles an hour. One of those thousands of thoughts keeps coming up in various situations. Whether I am talking to someone or it appears in my own life, I constantly see this lesson.

Each day I get caught up in the moment, the hour. I forget how precious life is and how it is not garunteed to us. I feel that I am like Martha, in the book of Luke. I am so worried about the hustle and bustle that I "do not have time" for anything else. Even sitting at the feet our Our Savior falls by the wayside.

Luke 10 says, "She [Martha] had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord's feet, listening to His word. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said 'Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to halp me.' But the Lord answered and said to her, 'Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many thing; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her"

What a blessing these verses are! This is Jesus Christ gently reminding Martha that while being industrious and a good housekeeper are wonderful things, they do not rank as high as sitting at His feet and listening to His words. Sometimes we go through life so fast that God has to throw a brick at us to get out attention. And sometimes those bricks HURT! In some cases, those bricks come in the form of cinder blocks =) The point is focus on what really matters. Material things come and go..flowers will fade and the grass will wither but the Word of God remains forever."

My Insane Monday

I started Insanity this week. Rather, I've joined someone else who is already doing it. In fact they enjoyed it so much the first go-round, they're doing it again. I got invited to join. So on Monday, I show up at 5:45 with my US grappling T-shirt on.. Yeah, I'm ready to go.  We're in a racquet ball room because there's really no other good space to do this work out in and the room is echo-y...and my shoes squeak if I drag my toes. No big deal - it's a workout...I'm excited to be doing anything at all. So the video starts and SOMEWHERE along the line, I missed the part where it said "Warm-up". So I'm pushing myself. I get like that sometimes.. if someone else is working out with me, it's like the competition switch gets flipped on. so I'm doing the knee raises, the side lunges, the jumps like there's no tomorrow. And I'm feeling good...getting tired, but good. After about three rounds of 5-6 exercises, the routine stops and we do some stretching. I've broken a sweat and my heart is racing. But I can't help but think in the back of my mind: "That was it??". We finish the stretching and I see Glen running to get a drink of water...and the video hasn't stopped. The realization sets in. That was ONLY the warm up.   OOPS. At this moment two things happened: My heart sank and my thighs said "oh crap". And "oh crap" was right. I have never had such an intense cardio workout. Though I can honestly say that Jiu Jitsu prepared me well for this workout... Needless to say I still pushed it through the next agonizing 30 minutes. But I finished it...and I felt like a champ. And the after workout shower has never felt so good. Bring it on Insanity!

Yes, I did just use a Spiderman analogy...

I recently saw Spiderman 3 for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I had no idea of the plot - only that Harry turns out to be Gobby Jr (as Tobey Maguire's character calls him) and that Spiderman faces a couple of other nemesis, including one that is a back suited version of himself. Upon watching the movie, I was almost disgusted when the black sticky thingy manifested itself onto Peter Parker's body, transforming him into a much darker character. It gave me the willies seeing the sticky mass  of goo flopping over the floor and up the bed and consuming Peter Parker.

It reminded me of the sin in our lives. How sin is malleable and can transform even the best person into the worst of people. Just as the "new' Peter Parker discovered, the longer he wore the suit, the harder it was to get rid of it. It started out small but eventually grew bigger and bigger to the point where it consumed him. He felt good, invincible. In a way, sin has the same effect. We don't really realize we're doing it until it confronts us in the face. And the longer we resist changing our behavior, the harder it becomes to rid ourselves of it. In the end of the movie it took a monumental effort for Peter Parker to get rid of the new skin. The sin didn't just go away. It found a new host. And this particular character had a lot of hate in his heart. The messy blob latched right on to that and the character became totally evil. He succumbed to the nature of the parasite that got him. Sin is the same way. If we have unresolved anger, bitterness, conflicts - you name it - in our lives, the sin latches on to it. It can make us completely unrecognizable.

That's where Christ comes in. We can't rid ourselves of the sin in our lives. Jesus died on the cross to enable us to have the free gift of salvation. But that does not mean we are perfect, or sinless or without blame. We have to work that much harder because we now recognize the hopeless situation we are in. That without that saving Grace we are forever stuck with that messy blob that sin creates. One way to combat this it to constantly stay in the Word. I have rediscovered this recently. It's not enough to read a couple verses a day - we have to immerse ourselves in it. If we cannot arm ourselves with the weapons He has provided, we are defenseless and it is easy to succumb to the temptations of sin in the world. It's amazing how quickly we can slip away when we let other things take priority to spending time in the Word.   We have to make God our #1. If He is not our main focus, if we are not living for him, then we are walking a fine line and that is a dangerous place to be. Make Christ your focus, spend time in the Word and He will make your path straight.   :)

Giving Life to save a life

I like to donate blood. I can't say that I enjoy the process thought by any means. It's a lengthy process, at least here on the Navy Yard. If you're not the first one lined up, it could take upwards of an hour and a half. I'm always amazed at how many people you will find at a blood drive. Especially the ones who do it on a regular basis. Sometimes, the people are known by name because they come so often. I'll never forget the first time I gave blood. I was nervous, not knowing what to expect. I went through the prescreening, found out my blood pressure,  my temperature and my iron levels. Then I sat in a room and waited for my interview. The process took a lot longer than I expected. After the interview I went to go wait to be assigned a chair. I got to chair to have my left arm stabbed. The phlebotomist looked at my left arm, felt for a vein, then went to my right arm and felt for my vein again. He said I had a better vein in my right arm and, since it was my first time, he recommended that I wait for a chair with a right arm donation. I went to the next available chair and the phlebotomist was Mr. Personality. It was like talking to a wall. He prepped my arm and got ready to stick the needle in my arm. I decided to look. Big mistake. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of needles. I just don't like looking as it's being shoved into my skin. And the size of that needle was bigger and any butterfly needle I had ever seen. So he sticks me and I'm fascinated as I see the bags filling up. It really is a cool process. He placed a squeeze ball in my hand and told me to gently squeeze every 5-10 seconds. Me, being the over achiever than I am sometimes, was happily squeezing the ball about every 1-2 seconds. At one point, it looked like the flow had stopped and so he shoved the needle further up into my vein. During this time, I was beginning to feel cold and clammy. I'm pretty sure I paled. He looked at me, asked if I was alright and when I said no, he immediately got out an ice pack, tilted my chair back and placed the ice pack on the back of my head. He asked if I wanted to continue the donation and I said yes. After he finished up, he informed me that I had to sit in the chair for about 10 minutes before I could get up. So I sat there and I could already see the bruise forming on my arm form when the needle had been shoved up into my vein. Needless to say I have a bruise for weeks afterwards. I walked away and said I would never donate blood again. Since then I have donated about 4-5 times. I realized that it was a momentary light affliction and that there are other people (soldiers in fact) who may need this donation.

As always with my ramblings, I am taking this story and seeing how I can apply it to my own life through Christ's example. His Blood wasn't a donation - if was a gift, a free gift. And he went willingly and put up with a lot more than a needle prick. If you hear advertisements for blood centers, you'll often hear how there is a blood shortage as well and so donors are needed more than ever. But with Jesus, there is no shortage of his mercy and grace - which we so desperately need - and are provided through the blood he shed. Just like people willingly line up to donate a pint of their blood for our troops, Jesus willingly went to the cross to offer up his life for us, so that we could gain eternal life through him.

Take Every Thought Captive

Have I mentioned I hate tests?? I don't mind them so much mid semester, but as the end of the semester sets in I really start to dread them. It gets so bad that I keep myself awake at night just thinking about all the studying I have to do. The last two nights have been anything but restful sleep. It is now affecting me dreadfully today. When my alarms went off, I mentally called out. But Here I am at my desk. And I cannot motivate myself to do any homework. That sad thing is, I know I am capable of doing well on these tests. But I can't get myself motivated. So last night, I was tossing and turning. I couldn't sleep. I even went to bed at 9PM. But 11:30 I was still up.

Sometimes when this happens, I fight through it and make myself relax. Other times I will turn on the light, pull out my bible and go over some verses I have written down. Here's one of them:

Hebrews 4:15-16

New International Version (NIV)

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are —yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I was thinking last night about this verse and then again this morning. And I wondered if Jesus had any sleepless nights. Then it struck me. Yes, if fact...he did. In the Garden of Gethsemane. How different my situation is from his. I am not going to my death on the cross (though sometimes it does feel like death by Calculus). I am not so anguished that I am sweating blood (though I sure am stressed about it). This morning's Jesus Calling was awesome too. It said that we shouldn't try to comprehend things outside our understanding. We're not made to do so. If we try, we will only realize our futility. We should instead, trust the One who is all knowing and comprehending. In doing so, we tap into the Peace which Passes all understanding. I wish I had remembered this last night. But I am only human and sometimes I cannot see past my problems.  I am thankful for trials like this. It reminds me that I cannot rely on my own strength. If I try to do so, I will find myself exhausted, frustrated and worn out - much like I am now. I wish it were easy to trust. That in a snap of my fingers, I would cast all my cares upon him. That requires me to let go, to ease up on the reigns. Be the strong willed individual that I am, it is hard. But in the end, it is so worth it. We just have to get past our own pride and insecurities before we can enjoy the blessings of letting go and letting God. :)

Day 10 of my 90-day challenge

I decided to challenge myself. I want to lose 20 lbs in 90 days. I think it's doable. Very doable. I just need the motivation and the will to succeed. So I think I will track my progress here. I'm not doing P90x or anything. As much as I like those programs I don't think I would want to carry on after the 90 days is over. The goal of this challenge is to incorporate fitness into my everyday lifestyle, regardless of how I feel. I will mentally challenge myself to do things I never thought possible. I will pay closer attention to my eating habits, portion sizes and really focus on what I am putting into my body.

So within the past 2 months, I can easily say I've put on a few pounds. It's mostly from decreasing the amount of exercise I've been getting while not changing the amount of calories I'm consuming. Also enter into the equation a new relationship and you have the perfect mix for a little additional cushioning around the middle. :)

So how am I going to achieve this weight loss goal?  Well for one, I WILL NOT be consuming lots of celery - blech. Instead I will exercise at least 6 times a week, maybe reserving that last day of yoga or easy stretching. I will also ensure that I eat smaller portions and not late at night. More veggies, less carbs etc. More tea, less coffee. I will also incorporate a lot of prayer. A LOT of prayer...and support from my family and friends who know about this journey. I will pray before every exercise session - because it's through Him that I am able to exercise at all. 

The hard part:

I've always loved food. I'm an emotional eater and there's nothing I love better then to sit on the couch with a tub of ice cream and a spoon. Food makes me feel better. But I cannot let that happen anymore. Even in the Bible, it says that we are not to rely on food in that way.

Deuteronomy 8:3

3 So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord.

And again:

Luke 4:4

4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone.

So my prayer is that I will gain an awareness to the priority I place on food. That I will not rely on it for my emotional comfort. That I will see and value exercise as an alternative means of feeling better.

I love exercise - don't get me wrong. But if my choices are a nap or a run - most times I choose a nap. Yesterday I went for a run and I felt so much better. My prayer is that I will maintain this motivated attitude and that I will continue down this path. I don't want to be unhealthy. But I want to feel good about myself, knowing that I'm not only working on the outside, but also on my character through this goal.

So, day 10: I ran about 3 miles yesterday, about 4.25 miles on Sunday. Maybe 2 miles on Friday night. Today I will run and go to Jiu Jitsu.

Weight: (on my scale) 163 and change. Other scales put me as higher..but I'll see if I can calibrate that number. :)

I won't be posting every day, but I will try to update at least once a week or so. Maybe twice. I will log the exercise I have done and the weight number. As people tell me, it's just a number. I unfortunately have always defined myself by my weight. That ends today. I give it to God because without Him, I really can't do anything about it anyway. Soli Deo Gloria!

Getting Down to Brass Tacks....

I don't need to watch the news - there's Facebook. I don't need to call my friends to see how they're doing - there's Facebook. I don't need to hear who broke up with whom or who's going on vacation this weekend - I can read it Facebook. Even though I choose to do all of the above things, mass loads of other information is always readily available on...you guessed it...Facebook.

I am always so tickled by the amount of information I see flowing over my news feed. Especially when there's a major national event. It’s the highlight of the news feed. Today's highlight was the Supreme Court Justice's ruling over the ObamaCare. Truthfully, I do not follow politics and so I had no idea the Court was voting. I only knew about it when I saw a disgruntled post about "liberties and freedoms going bye-bye". It may seem that way - but I think we forget what's really important. No Law - no man made law - is higher than that of the law of God. I am not a politician - I am a civil servant working 40 hours a week collecting a paycheck twice a month. I am not a law maker - I live my life by the morals and values with which I was raised. I am by no means the president - but I do recognize an authority higher than his.

People say our freedoms and liberties are being threatened - so it may seem, but I wonder how different the situation would be if it were our very lives being threatened. See, we live in a country where we complain that we have no money, our debt is through the roof (or the floor, whichever way you choose to look at it) and yet when walking around, it is hard to spot someone who does not have some sort of smart phone or tablet or otherwise expensive electronic device. Our nation also suffers from obesity which is, as I hear, now being viewed as a disease. I'm sorry but weight gain or loss is a simple math equation and you don’t have to be a math genius to figure it out. We, as a country, are by no means suffering from a lack of food or hunger. If we really look at the brass tacks of the situation, we don't really have it that bad. Compare it with a mother in Africa whose only concern is what her children will eat that week or that day - or the young girl who is pregnant because she was raped by a soldier. If we really get to the nitty gritty, we have no concept of life outside of our country. We can't see beyond our running water, electric outlets, flat screen TVs, smart phones and that awesome thing called Facebook which has so quickly consumed our social life.

We worry, we gripe we moan - I admit, I'm as bad as the rest of us. And we forget all the blessings we have been given. We forget from whom those blessings come. We think the world is ending because law makers in DC passed a mandate that we oppose vehemently. So I ask you - in the grand scheme of things, what does it matter? Will you have food on the table this evening? I'm not referring to 2014 when this law will go into place and you'll have to pay more for health insurance - because it's not 2014. It's 2012 - let's deal with today first before we get to tomorrow. So I ask again - will you have food on the table this evening? Will you have AC in your house while it's record breaking heat outside. Will you have a car to get you to and from your destinations? Will you have a paycheck posted to your account in the next two weeks? Is your family well and healthy? Maybe not all of these questions can be answered with a "Yes" but that's not the point. There are only a few things that REALLY truly matter in this life and as Americans we have them in abundance. I just wish that we as a nation could take our eyes off ourselves, stop focusing on what we don't have and instead be thankful for what we do have. Because it could be gone in an instant. There's so much more I could add to this but I shall not. These are simply my ramblings and I will end the thought flow there. One last thought. I remember driving home from a graduation and my sister was in my car. We were driving in a not-so-reliable car, in a torrential down pour and lightening storm. We were both scared stiff. So we turned this song on and sang it as loud as we could, above the noise of the storm. The words that have stuck with me since then (6 years later) are: "God is in Control. We believe that His children will not be forsaken, God is in control. There is no power above or beside Him, we know. God is in control."

So the next time something that seems to shake the very foundations of Facebook with posts, pictures, rants, raves etc... what are you going to do? Follow the crowd and post a status? Or remember that God is in control?

God is in Control - Twila Paris

This is no time for fear

This is a time for faith and determination

Don't lose the vision here

Carried away by emotion

Hold on to all that you hide in your heart

There is one thing that has always been true

It holds the world together

God is in control

We believe that His children will not be forsaken

God is in control

We will choose to remember and never be shaken

There is no power above or beside Him, we know

God is in control, oh God is in control

History marches on

There is a bottom line drawn across the ages

Culture can make its plan

Oh, but the line never changes

No matter how the deception may fly

There is one thing that has always been true

It will be true forever

He has never let you down

Why start to worry now?

He is still the Lord of all we see

And He is still the loving Father

Watching over you and me

Mirror, Mirror

Mirrors can either be your best friend or your worst enemy. They either enhance the features you like, or they can pronounce the ones you're trying to hide. I think it's safe to say that most everyone has a mirror in their house. I have one in my room and often use it to analyze work outfits or seeing how defined my biceps are that day or maybe even when applying make-up.

The funny thing about mirrors is that the farther you're away from it, the more you miss the fine detail. You may see the whole picture but the intricacies are often missed. It's when you are up and close with the mirror that you can truly begin to see things for what they really are. Granted, mirrors are only reflections of the true image but I think it give a pretty accurate representation.

Funny how, for women at least, when we look at ourselves in the mirror, we are our harshest critic: "That dress makes me look fat, these pants are too tight, that shirt hits me on all the wrong places, what was I thinking buying this color etc." The list is endless. Sure - outfits are always changeable but it's often the things that are more difficult to change that bother us the most. "I wish my hair was straight, these love handles won't go away, I wish I had curves here or there, etc."  I feel as if those "hard to change' aspects of our character bother us in the same way...at least for me they do.

While clothes are a necessary addition to life, I sometimes think that they're cover-ups, in a way, to hide imperfection, or the flaws that we perceive in the mirror. Outfits and style are arranged in such a way as to seamlessly make everything cohesive. Much can be said the same of what we do with the flaws that we perceive, or maybe the ones that other point out, in our character.

I had a "mirror" experience recently. Not a literal one. I guess you could say it was a self examination of habits and the way in which I deal with people and situations. And it required me to get up close and personal with myself. My first instinct was to run and hide in my shell to weather the storm - the one in which I hide while I ignore problems and hope they go away and pass me by. It's so easy to ignore the hard things in life instead of facing them. It's much harder to come to grips with the fact that I may have screwed up and need to change my ways or make modifications to the way I have done things. It also means being more aware of situations and being cognizant of the people around me. Something I also have to work on. But I guess that's the beauty of life. It isn't easy. If it were, we'd all be bored. There'd be no ups, no downs, nothing to make it interesting.

I also believe that God bring situations like this across our paths for a couple of reasons. 1) it's His way of molding us into his image - provided we handle the situation correctly. It doesn't do our character any good to hang out in a shell for a while. 2) It gives other believers and non believers the chance to see how one is molded into the image of Christ. When someone truly gives their hearts to Christ, they begin a transformation of shedding the 'old self' and putting on the 'new self'. Watching someone go through this transformation, or a part of this transformation is a beautiful thing. It's a reminder of the power of God that can change a life.

The cool thing about the Christian Walk is that it is not an overnight thing. We don't simply give our hearts to Jesus and the next day wake up to everything being peachy keen. It is hard work. And it's Daily hard work. Much like a new relationship. Everything might be hunky dory for a bit but there will come a time when hard conversations happen and you have to take a good look at yourself.  When that happens, are you going to be willing to do the hard thing, face the aspects about your character that you turn a blind eye to and put in the hard work to make a change? Or are you going to dust off the shell in your closet, climb in and potentially miss the rainbow that comes after the storm?

Of Mice and...Chocolate???

My desk at work is a shared space. Other contractors use my work space when I am not there, since computers are limited. No big deal..until today. I was typing away this morning when I heard scratching noises coming from the drawers immediately to my left. I stopped, paused and listened...and continued what I was doing. The scratching continued. I pushed it out of my mind, thinking I'd eventually figure out what it was. About 30 minutes later, I had to go into my desk drawer for something. I pulled open the top drawer and saw a grey little body perched on the drawer wall. It looked at me and scurried away, over the drawer and into the console. While my eyes got big as saucers and my chair rolled back at least 3 feet,  I was mentally on the other side of the building in less than 5 seconds. Don't get me wrong. I don't dislike mice...per se. As long as they don't bother me, I have no problem with their existence. (I promise, I really am going somewhere with this story). This one though, had crossed the line. What irritated me even more, was that the chocolate the little bugger was munching on had been left by another contractor. Whether they forgot it or were using my desk as their own personal chocolate stashing place, I don't know, but I knew I had to take care of the mouse problem and quickly. The mouse in my desk then immediately became the topic of the row I sit in and it's now been the nonstop conversation of the day. Which made me think of a book I read in High School - Of Mice and Men

I read the book in ninth grade I think. I have always been fascinated with the character of Lennie. He was a very simplistic individual and was often in the company of another character, George. You might call them friends, you might call them travel companions, but the point is their characters intertwine in a very interesting way.

The long and short of their relationship is this: While en route to this new job, Lennie starts talking about his paradise - owning a few acres of land or a farm, being free from having to work and maybe even owning a puppy. Lennie like soft things and likes to pet him. One of his shortcomings is that he has no concept of his own strength. In his attempts to pet soft and cuddly things, like mice, he ends up crushing and killing them. He keeps talking about this dream and eventually pulls George into this fantasy. Once they arrive at the work site and develop relationships with some of the other workers, Lennie's childlike mentality and blind excitement slowly pulls the other men into this dream. Each man suddenly begins to have something new to work for, a hope of a break from the monotony they've known for so long. The author, John Steinbeck, does a great job of setting the climax of the book. Without spoiling the ending, events unfold that set up and inevitable ending for one of the characters. George has to make a choice - a choice that he knows will alter his future forever.

I've certainly left out huge amounts of detail as to George's character because he is most definitely a gruff man, but loyal to Lennie and takes care of him in a way.

I'm often inspired to view the world like Lennie - simplistic, excited, uncomplicated. But I often fear a choice like the one George has to make. One that could be life changing. But if we live in fear of choices that are not yet before us, then we miss out on the opportunities that life has to offer. If we base our decisions, afraid of the What if's then we may never truly experience life to the fullest. The phrase "cross that bridge when we come to it" is full of truth. You cannot cross a bridge if it is not before you. One of the things I feel that God is working in me is not living in fear of what the future might hold. The future is indefinite. We do not know what the next hour, minute or second might bring. I do believe in Carpe Deim, or Live for the Day - but I like to add my own ending. Live for the Day, but in the Light of Christ. If we do that then we certainly have nothing to fear. If we're walking in Faith then we should have the assurance that no matter what happens, we stand on the Rock that will not crumble.

***For those interested in reading the character studies in Of Mice and Men, here's the link.

http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/micemen/canalysis.html***

Worlds

So I did it. I competed at Worlds. And it was a GREAT experience. Even though I lost the match, I learned a couple of things. First, I have a LONG way to go training wise. Second, I need to be diligent about staying within the right weight class. And third, and probably most importantly, it's only a competition and as long as I go in there with the right attitude, nothing else matters.

The girl I fought was really good. She outweighed me by 15-20 pounds at the least and pretty much dominated the entire match. Good for her! However, at the end, she had this smug attitude which I did not appreciate at all. But it is what it is. I went in there and did my best. That's all anyone could have asked of me. I'll get them next year  :) :)

With Just a Sling and a Stone

It's finally here. Worlds. I've been talking about it for some time now and it's currently staring me in the face. I leave tomorrow and in 3 days, I'll be competing at one of the most prestigious Jiu Jitsu tournaments in the world. Hence the name.

I signed up about a month ago because I hadn't registered for another competition in time. I thought that my team would be going to World's and I'd have an opportunity to prove myself at a high level tournament. It turns out that it's just me and 3 other team mates. The past few weeks have bee torturous - partially because I haven't had the mind set nor motivation to train - but also because I am scared stiff. Some of these competitors have been training for months for this event. They've cut weight, they've conditioned themselves - it's a big deal to them! I've been a Blue Belt for less than 6 months - some of them may have been Blue Belts for years, if not close to Purple Belts. I know the competition will be rough. You might say I'm a little nervous.

But as I sat down with my first cup of coffee this morning, I was immidiately reminded of the story of David and Goliath. The story starts out on the battlefield. The Israelites have been fighting the Philistene army. For forty days, the army of Israel had been taunted by the Philistene champion, who just so happened to be a 9 foot giant. No one from the Israelite army was willing to step forward to fight him. The Israelite king offered his daughter for marriage and tex exemption for the rest of the volunteer's life. Even that could not tempt anyone to take up arms against the Philistene. Then come David - a mere shepherd boy - with no combat experience whatsoever. But what he did have was a strong faith in the Lord who had already delivered him from the hands of a bear and a lion when the had come preying on his flock. So he volunteers to slay the giant. He refuses to wear armament. He uses the weapons he is comfortable with - a sling and 5 stones. What amazes me are the words David says the the giant on the battlefield: "45 Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword, a spear, and a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have taunted. 46 This day the Lord will deliver you up into my hands, and I will strike you down and remove your head from you. And I will give the dead bodies of the army of the Philistines this day to the birds of the sky and the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, 47 and that all this assembly may know that the Lord does not deliver by sword or by spear; for the battle is the Lord’s and He will give you into our hands.”

All of us face our own personal Goliaths at some point in our lives. They vary in shape and size, but the idea is all the same. The difference is how we approach it. Do you stand before it, quaking in your boots (or in my case today, flip flops)? Or do you stand resolutly, with just a sling and a stone, knowing that you're fully backed by the strength of the Almighty?

While this tournament is most certainly not a life or death situation, it's a cause of worry, fear and all other sorts of emotions that have no business being with me. So today, I choose to be resolute. I choose to step on those mats knowing that He's gotten me this far in Jiu Jitsu. That it's by the talents and gifts He has given me that enable me to compete. I've got my sling and I've got my stones. I'm ready.

Not Your Average Pedicure

Why do I struggle so much with servant-hood? What is it about lowly and seemingly meaningless tasks that I have such a hard time with? I wonder if it's connected with my ego. At work, I find that I can be wrapped up in "that's not my job" statements, or "they don't pay me enough to do that" mentalities. And that is so wrong.

Sometimes at work I will be asked to do something and the person who is asking is not my boss, nor remotely near that level of authority. Sometimes the request is worded in such a way that it just rubs me wrong. My attitude shifts and I immediately transistion into a begruding frame of mind.

Granted, I do think that if someone over steps their bounds that something needs to be said. However, if these small and menial tasks are actually helpful to someone else and only slightly inconvenient for me then I should make every effort to be helpful.

Guess which Bible story came to mind:

John 13: 12 So when He had washed their feet, and taken His garments and reclined at the table again, He said to them, "Do you know what I have done to you? 13 You call Me Teacher and Lord; and [b]you are right, for so I am. 14 If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. 15 For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you. 16 Truly, truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him. 17 If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them.

After I pondered this verse, I went ahead and did the tasks that the person had asked of me. It was funny how quick it took and how painless it was. Really not an inconvenience at all. I wish I could keep this state of mind all the time. I wish I were the first person jumping up at an opportunity to serve, regardless of the situation. I'm thankful for moments like these. It brings ti the surface the facets and areas of my character that I wish to spruce up. By God's grace I can do it but it often requires me to look into the mirror and that can be painfully difficult sometimes.

How can you "wash" someone elses feet this week? What is a situation in which you can be a servant?

You Can't Take it with You

Nope. You sure can't. And I'm not sure I'd want to. There are so many things I want to leave behind on this earth when I finally depart from this life. A few trivial things here and there - maybe the mole on my back or the scar next to my right eye. I wouldn't mind not taking them with me to heaven. But what I really can't wait to leave behind is my legacy - how I want to be remembered when I go.

Sitting pinned up on my desk are three pieces of paper. There are many lines of writing - words that did not come from me nor were meant for me. Some of the lines are highlighted because they speak to me. They come from Michael. I remember the first time I read these words. The emotions that they evoked were overwhelming. I remember sitting in my bed, crying. Crying because he had died, Crying because a life so young, so vibrant, was gone...Crying because that's how I wanted to be remembered.

I've never made an impact on someone's life so deeply that it inspired them to change who they are. I've never lived so boldly and fearlessly for something I stand for and believe in. I've always been comfortable in my little shell, happy and content in my own little routine.

What if there's more to life than living in a shell? What if the world stretches beyond the small community you've grown accustomed to all your life? What if there are bigger and better things and more people to meet?

I aspire to be the kind of person who is known for living passionately. I want to be remembered as the person who was there in a time of need and always ready to be a friend. I strive to be the best person I can be with the talents and gifts that I have been blessed with.

So if you can't take it with you, what is it you want to leave behind?

Raising the WHite Flag

When is it time to raise the White Flag? When is it time to surrender?What are you surrendering? Are you surrendering your hopes and dreams for the time being? Are you surrendering your will to that of God's? Are you giving up?

I often find myself marveling at the wondrousness of our God and His timing. Every aspect of my life has worked out in such a way that it can't be attributed to anything else other than the Mighty Hand of God. I was thinking today about my job and the current benefits I enjoy because of it. My summer class just got paid for, and not by me. Whereas, once I might have taken out a loan, or scrimped and save for a couple months, now I just e-mail the class information and viola! It's paid for. It's that easy. And the cool part is that I will not owe any time once my degree is complete. I would like to stay with NAVSEA for at least a little while, but if God calls me elsewhere then that's where I'll go. But I look back on my job and the decisions I had to make to get there. I had to surrender my will for myself and my hopes and dreams for the prospect of a job that didn't seem like what I needed, or even wanted. Thankfully, someone who knows what's best for me intervened. The past few months have been incredible. Not only have I learned so much, but I'm being entrusted with projects that are above and beyond my scope as an intern. These projects are getting high recognition and are creating an excellent base for a resume once I have a degree to attach along with it.

Going back to surrender. What does it mean to surrender? I may have written a blog post about this a while back but it's something that's been on my heart for a while now.

Surrender - v. a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand

This is the current meaning of the word surrender as per dictionary.com. But I think the Bible means it in a different tone entirely. When I think of the word surrender, I think of a gentle submission to the will of God. Meaning that we lay our burdens, hope, fears, dreams etc at His feet as a silent way of saying our lives are His and subject to His will. While that may have a domineering undertone, I certainly don't mean it as such. Sometimes surrender can be as simple as quickly giving the situation over to God...sometimes I also think that surrender can the slowly lifting up your hands, head bowed, tears flowing, offering the "Isaac" of our lives. Something that is so precious and dear, yet consecrated to the Will of God. What we seem to forget, or maybe not realize, is that God's plans all have purpose. We can make timelines for ourselves, for where we think our lives are going and then throw a tantrum when it doesn't go our way. But we forget that maybe our timeline isn't the one that God has in mind for us.. and the more our minds are open to that way of thinking, the easier it is to accept when things don't go our way. I am by no means perfect in this area. I've certainly had my throw of tantrums. But with each tantrum comes that still soft voice reminding me of all the ways He has worked in my life and that it will be ok. I feel closer to Him when I trust him with these precious areas of my life and this trust grows and solidifies when I see the results that are far more wonderful than I could have imagined.

So what's the "Isaac" in your life? What's your white flag that you have to raise? How are you going to surrender it, if you feel that's what you're being called to do? And how will your attitude affect those around you? Will they see the light of Christ shining through? These are all questions I have asked and continue to ask of myself. When I go through rough spots in my life, I want people to see Christ through me - through my actions and through my words. I deeply desire to be a beacon for Christ and I'm afraid that my attitude often reflects the opposite. I let my mood affect my actions and words. I allow negativity to darken the good in these hard situations. But I'm also human and I can't fix these flaws by myself. That's when the immeasurable grace of God kicks in and is able to carry us when we cannot stand any longer. The more we rely on that Grace and Strength that is not our own, the more we're able to look at whatever the situation might be through the eyes of Christ instead of our fallible human ones. I've posted it once and I'll post it again but the following is a collection of verses that have been so poingent for the last several months of my life. I added a couple more about a month ago and I think I'll keep adding onto it ad God places them on my heart.

"Be still, and know that I am God;  For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.  But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul. So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

I still love those word:  Be Still. Cease Striving. Stop Wrestling. BE quiet. And KNOW that I AM GOD. Take comfort that He knows what He's doing, He has our best interests at heart and He will never fail us nor forsake us. What a Mighty God we Serve!